6: It's Not What You Know; It's What You Do
Ultimately, relationships depend on actions rather than notions. The way a person thinks or feels about you tends to be short-lived, and perceptions will fade unless they are backed by the things you actually do. The author provides various ways in which people demonstrate, through action, the intangible qualities (professionalism integrity, knowledge) that cause others to trust in them and rely upon them.
Show You Care About Other People
One of the easiest ways to demonstrate that you care about others is simply to listen to them: pay attention to what they are saying, and demonstrate through action that you remember it later. The author provides an anecdote, but it's been demonstrated in a number of his other tales, in which a person learns something specific about an individual and later uses that information to do them some small favor that's specific to their interests.
Business Gifts
The custom of business gifts is largely drawing to an end. Aside of low-end logo merchandise (pens, desk calendars, coffee mugs, etc.), the practice has largely dried up.
This is mainly because expensive gifts were once given as bribes or kickbacks to curry favor. In some professions, it may be unethical or even illegal (especially in the case of public servants) to accept gifts from vendors. Even business in which it is not illegal are shunning the practice - some companies put a dollar-limit on the value of gifts, and others ban them altogether (there's an example of a firm that prohibits employees from accepting even a coffee cup).
The author suggests that, when considering a gift, call the HR department to see what is appropriate before putting a person in an awkward position of having to refuse a gift.
(EN: This is a bit in contrast to some of the anecdotes he tells in the course of the book, in which an individual makes a thoughtful gift to an individual. None of these cases have involved lavish items, just simple tokens, but the zero-tolerance policy that is mentioned here.)
On the other hand, there are instances where the prospect makes it clear that gifts are expected. The author's advice is to avoid that - "people who can be bought are rarely worth buying" - and notes that this generally ends up in a covert bidding-war among vendors attempting to outdo the gifts to the client. This is not the basis for a relationship.
(EN: The author avoids the minefield of international business. In some cultures, it's a common practice, and not to offer a gift is considered rude. It's very awkward sorting out whether to insist on following your own cultural ethic versus respecting another culture in ways that are different from your own ... but fortunately, something few people have to deal with.)
The author later mentions gifts that are given "for the office." An example si food gifts, given at the holidays. Since it is given to the group, not a specific individual, it's less likely to be seen as an attempt to gain undue influence, and can be both effective and economical if you do business with multiple people in the same facility.
Be Alert to Opportunities
The author speaks of building connections through "unexpected, inexpensive, and thoughtful acts" done for others. Doing them is often easy enough, but it can be difficult to identify opportunities, and because they must be specific to the person, there is no list of tricks that can be followed in all situations, with all people.
The answers to the 20 questions will help provide insight, and you can attempt to match them to nine categories, which the author explains in greater detail: important dates, important names, special concerns, important people, important goals, major events, favorite foods, schools attended, and important places.
Important Dates
Aside of common holidays and celebrations, there are personal dates that a person remembers, such as a birthday or anniversary, and events such as a graduation (their own, their child's, etc.) that are meaningful to the person, and which may often be overlooked by others.
There are conventional ways of marking these dates: a phone call, a card, a cake, a small gift. Te author doesn't say so explicitly, but in these choices it's clear that these revolve around a person-to-person encounter: hand them the card rather than dropping it off with their secretary. An e-mail or a text message is not included.
He also mentions the notion of unexpected acts, not tied to a specific date. A "thank you" card, or even a handwritten note of appreciation, are old customs that have fallen out of practice - and by doing them, you stand out from the many that don't.
Moreover, the common holidays are common times to touch base - during December, your clients receive a flood of holiday "greetings" from their vendors, and yours will be los in the crowd. Finding a reason to send a salutation or a thank-you note at a time when others aren't doing the same is more noticed.
Important Family Names
Certain people are intensely important to a person: children, spouses, family members. At a minimum, you should try to memorize their names - or better still, memorize a few key facts about them. Using this information in conversations gives the other person a strong impression that you pay attention to what they've said, and care enough to remember such details.
The author notes that PDAs make it very easy to record this information and keep track of it, for a quick refresher before a face-to-face meeting. (EN: Agreed, but it seems a bit creepy to be "keeping notes" on people. And if it's ever discovered that your cell phone is full of information about other peoples' children, that would be extremely awkward.)
The author tells a few stories (and has told others previously) about small gifts given to prospects for their children. (EN: Again, it's creepy and presumptuous.) This may also get around the restriction on accepting personal gifts from vendors, if the item is given to one person, with the intention of their delivering it to someone else.
It also need not be an item. A favor, such as making contact between a working professional and a child who's interested in their profession, arranging for someone to speak at a career day at a school, etc., is often easier to accept and equally meaningful.
The author also suggests getting involved in activities as a way of bonding with others outside the work environment. He mentions a personal experience of getting involved with his daughter's softball team because a couple of his biggest customers were involved in the same activity with their daughters.
Special Interests
The author sweeps a number of things together under a general category, but they pertain to the various peculiarities people have: religion, diet, politics, etc. Hobbies and leisure activities also fall into this category.
Special concerns are highly individual, people are considerably vested in then for self-esteem and personal identity. A person will identify themselves as being a vegetarian, being a painter, or being a protestant - "being" something, rather than merely eating a diet, doing a thing, or going to a place.
If you are also involved in the activity, the similarity in personal interests can be leveraged. But even if you're only interested in it, or just passing curious, asking about it gives the person the opportunity to advocate for their special interest, and your interest makes them feel important.
The author suggests going a bit further - you can use the Web to do research, and speak more intelligently on a given special interest topic (EN: this can be dangerous, might make you seem like you're passing yourself off as an enthusiast, which is disingenuous and easily discovered by anyone who is). You can also forward articles or ask questions, as a means of making conversation.
Leisure interests can also become business contacts - you may find that the people you meet in groups of enthusiasts are prospective customers whom you might not otherwise have met.
Important People
The author mentions that, especially if you work in a specific industry, you're likely to deal with people who are important to one another. The example given is forwarding articles of interest (from industry journals or whatnot) to one client that were written by another, and eventually bringing the two of them together. (EN: this is similar to the bit earlier on helping other people to connect.)
It's not limited to professional contacts, or even direct contacts. An anecdote is mentioned where the salesman was able to obtain a signed novel from an author that his client was a fan. In such instance, it seems a matter of coincidence - being in the right place at the right time - but it also requires having a good knowledge of the interests of another person to recognize opportunities when they arise.
Important Goals
The author describes personal goals - a person who wants to run a marathon, build a house, or accomplish some other personal goal. This is largely analogous to a special interest, though it gives you a more specific sense of what they are trying to accomplish, which should uncover more specific ways in which you can offer help.
Major Events
There are "events" in many peoples' lives that include recurring events (such as holidays), special events (marriage, promotion), and one-off events (an upcoming vacation) that can be opportunities to act.
He also mentions unfortunate events: an illness or a death in the family. These are awkward moments, and people can end up inadvertently shunning a person who's experienced misfortune. The people who step up, even in small ways, in a difficult situation are well-remembered for doing so.
The author also mentions differences in religions and cultures. Sending holiday greetings that are appropriate to your own culture may not be appropriate, or may be commonplace - but if you can remember and send an appropriate felicitation based on the culture and traditions of the client's culture, it has a stronger impact, especially if it's unusual.
The author notes that it's important to learn about other cultures - if you know a client is Muslim, learn about Islam. There's a lot of information available online to help you learn the basics, but as per an earlier point, it's better to ask the other person, even if it's something you already know, because the conversation is a bonding opportunity: they acknowledge your respect and curiosity, and get to act as an authority on the subject.
Favorite Foods
Food is a subject that comes up naturally in a number of contexts - and are a fairly common and comfortable business gift because they are inexpensive and quickly consumed, making it less likely for them to be interpreted as a bribe or kickback, and cultural taboos against wasting food make it unlikely a gift would be refused.
Especially because we are a mobile and multicultural society, there are likely to be food items a person reminisces about that they cannot obtain where they presently are. If you travel, or know of a way to obtain it for them, it can be a memorable gift.
Or you may be able to arrange a meeting in a restaurant they might especially appreciate, or help them to find one in an unfamiliar town.
There is also an anecdote about a salesman who had a customer with special dietary needs (celiac disease) and was unable to eat anything containing glutens. At a convention, the salesman noticed an exhibitor who specialized in gluten-free foods, and was able to obntain literature and samples for the client.
Schools Attended
The author mentions that college is a "peak experience" for some individuals, who continue to identify themselves as a graduate and follow the school sports teams well into their adulthood. In so many words, this can also be treated as a special interest.
Important Places
Location is important for some individuals - they may have nostalgia for their "home" town or country, or they may vacation in the same places each year, or they may be looking ahead to a place they wish to retire or vacation in the future.
Do the Right Thing
The author wraps with a couple of anecdotes that reiterate the key points: that the information you have about an individual enables you to do "little things" for them to demonstrate your interest and make yourself stand out in their mind as a person who knows them and cares about them.
(EN: The entire subtext of the chapter is a bit touchy. I can't think of many "real" relationships where the connection was established and maintained by a series of gifts and favors done by one person for the other. And especially when one party is seeking to profit from the other economically, it seems a disingenuous. In the end, it's an ethical gray zone, and the best thing I can say is that different people draw the line between being thoughtful and being manipulative in different places.)