3: Twenty Questions
Knowing about the other person is critical to improving your relationship with them. It takes research and observation. (EN: the author backpedals a bit, perhaps a bit uncomfortable with the notion of surveillance, but my sense is that this is exactly what's being suggested.)
The author mentions the importance of having a sincere interest in other people - if your interest is not sincere, people will sense this, and will be reluctant to trust in you or enter into a relationship.
Start With a Self-Check
The author suggests questioning your own motives - whether you are looking to invest time and effort in establishing a relationship, or whether you have a short-term mercenary interest. In some cases, the latter is the correct approach, and it's a waste of time to pursue a stronger connection (and will send the wrong signals when you seem to pursue a relationship with someone, then suddenly abandon it.)
Second, ensure that your organization will support this activity. If your company's (and immediate supervisor's) culture do not value relationships, you will encounter problems and will lack the support you need to be successful. (EN: the author breezes over this, but it's a significant point. Moreover, it's worth being wary: companies pay a lot of lip-service to notions that sound good, but when the rubber meets the road, their true nature is something altogether different.)
A stray note: it's more difficult to establish relationships in a business context. The people you meet in private life are usually encountered in a context of an event or activity in which a mutual interest already exists, and you have something to build upon. In business, the encounters are under more artificial situations, with defined roles and you have no clue as to what the other person might value or be interested in.
(EN: to add to the author's content, a self-check should also involve a frank an objective evaluation of yourself. He seems to take for granted, as many do, that people know themselves - but truth be told, most people bumble through life without taking stock. It may take a formal exercise or two to coordinate and surface information.)
Sharing Creates the Relationship
The author asks: what do you know about a person? He refers to his list of 20 questions (later in the chapter), and indicates you probably can't answer many - or if you can, much of it is based on limited contact with them, observation, and what you've heard from others. You can only answer these questions if the person told you the answers, personally.
(EN: The author overlooks social media. People disclose a lot of personal information on Web sites such as Facebook or LinkedIn, and if they have a blog or personal site, a lot of information is available online.)
He also notes that the sharing process, more so than the facts you learn, is critical to relationship building. When a person discloses information about himself, he assesses what to tell you, decides how much to trust you ... and generally discloses information incrementally as the relationship progresses.
Learn What Someone Treasures
The author stresses the importance of knowing what another person "treasures" - as there are many random facts about a person, but relatively few things that they are engaged and emotional about. In the business environment, the topics that a person "treasures" generally deal with their present situation and goals: what things are most important to them, what causes them the greatest grief, in pursuit of their goals. When a person speaks to you of such things, they are entrusting you with the knowledge of that which matters most to them.
A common problem in the current business environment is that individuals are disempowered: they are given a lot of responsibility and essentially no authority, which is the source of much frustration. In such a situation, a person must seek coalition with others to get things done - and the more they can count on people (specifically, the relationships they have with other people), the more they can accomplish. This is what makes people inclined to share knowledge about their goals.
Compounding the problem of disempowerment is the sense of disconnection: companies do little to encourage (and some actively discourage) communication across functional areas. People in marketing don't associate with people in finance, and there's often animosity among them. The key to overcoming these barriers is to be proactive, and to define mutual interests as a basis for cooperation.
Thirteen Facts About Human Beings
The author provides a list of 13 "fundamental facts about human beings" and indicates that they are backed by "research." (EN: as my quotation marks imply, he's on shaky ground here and may be generalizing. It might be better to turn to other sources of motivational psychology - e.g., Maslow)
- In general, people have a desire to be important.
- They want to be appreciated.
- They are not nearly as interested in you, your interests, or your concerns as they are in themselves.
- Most people want two things out of life: success and happiness.
- They want you to listen to them with your full attention.
- People will connect with you only if they feel you sincerely value them.
- Most people make decisions emotionally and defend them logically.
- The average person's attention span is very short.
- People with common interests have a natural rapport.
- People want to be understood.
- People are drawn to people who are genuinely interested in them.
- Most people love to teach.
- People want to associate with others who they believe can help them in some aspect of their lives.
And as usual, the author backpedals a bit: indicating that not all of these characteristics apply to every human being - but more importantly, some of these facts are things that people will ascribe to "other people" but won't admit to having these desires themselves. He also notes that different people define notions of success and happiness in different ways, so this is a broad stroke, but a good place to start.
The author refers to the notion that esteem is a fundamental need in human relationships - in short, that people look to others to make them feel important about themselves. And a person who can fill that need will win their loyalty and trust. If you can make a person feel important about themselves, they will like you, listen to you, buy from you, even follow you.
(EN: I'm feeling a bit squeamish myself at this point: as this sounds like very manipulative behavior and it is a common tactic in cult recruitment and military training to use esteem as a reward to get people to grant blind obedience.)
Let the Other Person Talk
The author suggests that there's more power in listening to another person talk than in talking about yourself. It's largely an attempt to build esteem for yourself in the eyes of the other person, to make them want to interact with you because you are an important person. Referring back to the previous section, people grant trust to others who make them feel important about themselves.
In the context of information-gathering, a person who does most of the talking is disclosing most of the information, and learning the least about the other party.
From a psychological perspective, people like to talk about themselves. They are never more animated than when they are communicating with others, and never more bored when they have to listen to others speak.
The author spins another anecdote, about an unsuccessful salesman who observed a successful one, and noted that he spent the majority of his time "just visiting" with clients who rattle on about their kids, sports, and various other topics that had nothing at all to do with pitching the product - and yet, at the end of the day, he had a book full of orders.
In some instances, time is money and people want you to stick to business - but most people are more casual, and would prefer to spend their time idly chatting away. And while it seems like a waste of time to the salesman who wants to book orders, it makes the process of doing business more pleasant - and ultimately, more productive.
Sell By Not Selling
Another anecdote: a pharmaceutical company that developed a six-week course that instructed doctors on techniques to improve their patient care. The course was offered to doctors who had refused to speak with their sales representatives. After providing the course, the company found that 40% of those who attended the course were willing to speak with a company sales rep, and some of them proactively expressed greater interest in learning what the company offered.
The lesson from this is that company's gesture to the doctors, practical advice that would make them more effective in their jobs, had nothing to do with the products the company sold - there was no direct return on investment - but it melted some of the ice, enabling the company to win their business.
The 20 Questions
The author has teased a bit about the twenty questions you should seek to be able to answer about a person with whom you wish to establish or improve a relationship. He notes that they shouldn't be treated as a questionnaire or an interrogation - the information can be collected slowly, over time - and that they are the beginning rather than the end (you should seek to learn more that "just this," but it's a good starting point.)
- What do you do when you are not working?
- Where did you go to school (and how did you choose it)?
- Where did you grow up and what was it like growing up there?
- What was your high school like?
- What do you enjoy reading when you have the time?
- How did you decide to do [whatever it is he or she does] for a living?
- Tell me something about your family.
- Where is your favorite place to vacation?
- What kind of vacation would you like to take that you have not yet taken?
- What community associations, if any, do you have time to be involved with?
- What sports, if any, do you enjoy participating in?
- What sports do you enjoy watching?
- If you could have tickets for any event, what would it be?
- How did you decide to settle in this area?
- Tell me something about yourself that would surprise me.
- What things would you really want to do more of, but don't have time for?
- What challenges/issues in your work might I, or my company, be able to help you with?
- What is the most frustrating thing about being in your business these days?
- In your opinion, what two or three qualities make a top-notch sales representative [or account executive . . . or management consultant . . . accountant . . . or whatever you are]?
- If all work paid the same and you could go around again, what would you do?
Each of these is an open-ended question that can draw out more information than it might seem - and per the earlier point, the important thing is not merely getting the information, but having the other person trust you enough to share it with you.
It's also noted that certain people will be less comfortable asking these questions, and others will be uncomfortable answering them. It takes a bit of intuition to determine what's appropriate - but in general, you should start with less personal questions that can be answered bin brief before moving onto more personal ones that will elicit more lengthy answers.
The author suggests the acronym "FORM" for the kinds of questions to ask: family, occupation, recreation, and motivation. These are fairly universal topics of discussion.
The author looks at one of the stranger questions, and suggests that it can be difficult to work it into a conversation, but it can open up some "amazing doors." Primarily, if you can get someone to share with you something that no-one else knows, you've developed a unique relationship with that person: you are the only person who seems to care about a specific fact or special interest - and in some cases, this is a 'secret passion" with which they feel a sense of conspiratorial kinship to anyone who shares their interest.
The author also notes that each of these questions is a starting point to a lengthier conversation. If you find out their favorite place to vacation (#8), you can converse about what they like about it, what they do there, where they stay, who they go with, etc. It all flows very naturally, and can branch out into different subjects.
There are a few anecdotes: a salesman who bonded with a customer on a drive to the airport, by asking two questions and letting the guy rattle on at length. A salesman who was dealing with an introverted customer who was tight-lipped and impersonal until the salesman happened onto a topic the man liked to talk about, after which he became much more personable.