2: What Strong Relationships Require
Some individuals seem to have a "knack" for working with others, some do not. As such, relationship building is often treated as an innate talent or a gift. However, the author considers it to be a skill that can be developed. Specifically, there is a process to building relationships that any person can seek to understand and improve upon.
But at the same time, relationships occur among people, and because personalities differ, there is no sure-fire answer that will work with everyone. (EN: I expect the author balks here because psychology is not an exact science, and exploring the social dimension of various personality types is more than he intends to do - so again, this is not to be taken as a declaration that something is impossible or unfathomable, just the author's admission that he intends to go only so far.)
Three Steps to Building a Positive Relationship
The author identifies three components for building relationships: think (your mid-set), learn (gather information), and do (take action).
Primarily, you must recognize the value of relationships and come to value them. While many people will pay lip-service to the important relationships, those who are successful attribute their success to their ability to work with others. Even for non-salesmen, doing business at the executive level means entering into multi-million-dollar "deals" in which trust is critical, and having a rapport with others is key to having influence.
The author notes that most people do feel a genuine concern with others, and seek win-win relationships - and that individuals who are domineering, parasitic, and self-centered tend not to go very far: they can get ahead in the short run by using someone - but over time, they have burned their bridges with most people, and get a negative reputation, to the point where others are not willing to get involved with them or help them out.
A general observation of "you give what you get" holds for relationships - and those who have the greatest long-term success, in business and in life, are people who give a lot to others, to the point that others value the relationship and are glad to reciprocate.
The author warns against the generalizations that lead some people to believe that everyone is inherently evil, or to be distrustful until given a reason to trust. A person who seems cautions of others causes others to be cautious of them - and while it's wise to be on guard, it shouldn't be your default state.
Self-esteem is also of importance. If you think poorly of yourself and assume that others will not want to be involved with you, you will close yourself off, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The author notes that famous people are often socially isolated, simply because others presume that they hold themselves above the average person.
The author notes that 30 to 40 percent of adult Americans suffer from shyness and feel it has hindered them in some way. The author suggests that it's largely a matter of unfamiliarity. If a person who is "naturally" shy forces themselves to be more social, they will slowly become less uncomfortable in social situations.
(EN: Much of this borders on pop psychology and should be taken with a grain of salt. The core message is to value relationships, seek them out, and overcome social anxiety - but the "how" is a bit sketchy here.)
Anecdotes
The author tosses in a couple of anecdotes (EN: which are very facile and contrived) to suggest a couple of notions:
The author's first anecdote is a sales trainee, who was a decent enough guy but was very flaky around others, attempting to act in a manner that he thought would make him more likable only made him seem less honest. When he took the simple advice to "just be yourself," he found people responded better, and he felt more comfortable in the job.
The second anecdote is about a salesman who confessed that there was a coworker of his, a rival in fact, that he didn't like as a person. On hearing this, his boss ordered him to write a report about why he liked this person, and made arrangements to put the two in proximity. During this time, the salesman sought out positive qualities of character, and found that there was a lot to like about the guy - it was a matter of overcoming his snap judgment and paying closer attention.
Implement the Process Completely
When a relationship seems to be degrading, or there is failure to make improvements, it can usually be traced to a failure to implement the process, and to do so completely. If a person considers the relationship to be a means to a short-term goal, they may value the goal above the relationship. If a person makes superficial judgments based on general information, they may need to put more effort into information gathering. If a person has all the best intentions but fails to act on them, the relationship will not progress.
The author also notes that good relationships will not move bad product. If anything, attempting to foist inferior or overpriced goods on people, in hopes that they will buy them to appease you and maintain the relationship, either will not work at all, or will not work for long. (EN: there's a lot of anecdotal evidence of relationships that were damaged when one person attempted to sell product to friends and neighbors, and expected them to buy out of friendship, not because they were good-quality merchandise).
A random bit: a salesman remarks on how much you can learn about a person from their workplace (cubicle or office) - people put a lot of information about themselves and their personal interests on display, and it's fair game to talk about anything in plain sight. But at the same time, don't fake similar interests or try to pretend expertise - you'll be caught (remember: integrity si important). If you find you have nothing to say, ask questions instead. Most people are happy to talk about their interests, but don't stay there for very long, and will provide a clear indication when they're ready to get down to business.
Strategies, Not Tactics
The author implies that there are many books that provide sales tactics - little "tricks" that can be used to gain some specific benefit. This book is not intended to be another of those. While there are a few loose tips and tactical suggestion about how to accomplish certain goals, it's based on a core strategy that does not rely on specific tactics.
He refers to the earlier bit about striking up a conversation by talking about items on display in an office. That's a notion that works sometimes - but other times, it doesn't, and you have to use a different tactic to achieve the strategic goal of learning about another person.
He also distances himself from reciprocation: you do not do something for someone else because you expect them to return the favor. Sometimes, you might do a dozen "extra" things for someone and get nothing in return. If you seem to expect tit-for-tat, it will make you seem mercenary, and this will damage rather than further a relationship.
Set Yourself Apart
In the business environment, people meet with a lot of salesmen, prospects, clients, and colleagues. If there is nothing to distinguish you from the others, your chances of progressing up the relationship pyramid are very slim - you're just another face in the crowd.
In some instances, it can mean a short-term setback for longer success. An example he gives are the tactics he used in selling pharmaceuticals: he would promise the pharmacist not to go around him to sell directly to doctors (which was a common tactic that salesmen use, and it frustrates pharmacists), and also was willing to sponsor speakers and deliver research in support of the drugs (which was a costly measure, and few other companies would do so). He credits these tactics for making him stand out from the crowd in ways that the prospect valued, and that ultimately won him some productive accounts.
Unexpected, Unselfish Actions
Doing things for others, rather than focusing on your own needs, helps to build reputation, credibility, and trust - and being concerned with the needs of others makes them more favorably disposed to you. Though some will not, enough will. The author draws the analogy of scattering seeds - you can never be sure which ones will sprout.
Again, your goal isn't immediate reciprocation, but relationship building. If you build a relationship with a customer who uses a competitor's product, and is even loyal to it, there may come a day when you can win them over. If you treat such prospects as if they were unimportant, you won't be able to develop a relationship that will enable you to recognize when they may be considering making a change.
There is also the tendency to favor those with whom you have already established good relationships, and neglect those individuals with whom your relationships are weak or underdeveloped. The problem in doing so is that your neglect contributes to the weakness of relationships, which you should be working harder to improve.
In terms of salesmanship, its' important to understand that a prospect chooses an option for their own reasons, and that those reasons are generally sound. If they have chosen not to buy your product, there's sound rationale behind it. In some instances, a competitor's product is actually a better choice for those with specific needs, or in a specific situation. You should accept that, but at the same time seek to learn more about their decision-making process: situations and needs change over time, and the more you know, the better equipped you will be to influence their future decisions.
Also, the information you gain from a customer who chose a competing product is valuable competitive intelligence. Ideally, you can carry that information back to your own firm, who can use it to improve the product, or develop a separate line, such that it will become as good as, or better than, the other product.
Ideally, a salesman should seek to work for the firm whose product or service is the best for the customer. In those situations, you can be direct and honest about your product, and know that you are helping the customer to buy something that is valuable to them. Even so, there are instances in which you may need to concede that your product is the best "for the price" or the best "for a specific group of customers."
Building a Relationship Takes Time
In addition to "taking time" in the sense of being a slow process, relationship building requires you to spend time with another person. It can't be done remotely, and it can't be done in short, infrequent visits.
Primarily, people are cautious of the unknown or unfamiliar. It takes time for a person to feel comfortable with you. How much time varies by the person, but there aren't many people who are immediately at ease with a stranger: they must meet you several times, and spend time in your presence, before they will let down their guard.
The temptation, in this high-speed culture, is to seek a way to accelerate the process of relationship building - but the author asserts that there is not a way to do this. Technology enables us to make shallow contact with a large number of people, but developing a relationship with an individual requires an investment of time.
Moreover, aggressively pursuing a relationship right out of the gate, does more harm than good. An individual who regards you as a stranger will take aggressive motions as a hostile and intrusive action rather than a friendly overture, and will not only fail, but make it more difficult to establish rapport in future. The author recommends that you "dance at the customer's pace."
It's also worth noting that there is no substitute for face-time. Telephone and e-mail do not contribute to trust and ease, as much of communication deals with tonality, expression, and body language.
The author suggests the tactic of mirroring: mimicking a person's posture, tone, pace of speech, and gestures. (EN: I've heard this before, but haven't seen the original study. My sense is that mirroring naturally occurs when a relationship grows closer, but I am suspicious of the suggestion that it can work the other way around - i.e., that closeness comes from mirroring behavior rather than vice-versa)
The author considers the practice of food-sharing, and how it has a dramatic psychological effect. You can make more progress toward a relationship by having lunch with someone as opposed to just meeting with them in a conference-room environment. And this is acknowledged in practice, in both business and politics, when something is important at stake, people seek to gather over a meal - in general, it expedites relationship building.
Exercise: Decide Who's Key, Then Do Something
As an exercise, the author suggests making a list of the eight or ten people who are most important to your business success, assessing the strength of your relationship, and setting a goal of improving your relationship with them. Ideally, you should maintain these relationships in the top two tiers of the pyramid diagram.