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1: Climbing the Relationship Pyramid

The author asserts that, at various seminars with senior executives, it's generally agreed that relationships are an important part (if not the single most important component) of success in business. And while many people intuit how to build and maintain a positive relationship with others in their private lives (friends, spouses, children), this is not often translated into the business world.

Relationships are critical to business. Very little can be accomplished except in the context of a relationship with others in an organization. Positive relationships (with customers, vendors, employees, peers, and subordinates) are the basic unit of any business. When a business grows, it must expand its network of relationships and/or improve the quality of those relationships. As such, greater success goes to the person, and to the business, that develops better relationships.

In general, people who are in positive relationships are at a loss to describe how they did so: there's the notion two people "just hit it off" or have some hobbies or interest in common. Think about the relationships you value most, and try to answer: what did you do to establish and maintain those relationships? Most people can't find a satisfactory answer: they just seemed to happen.

This may be the reason that few businesses or schools offer training in developing relationships, in spite of the fact that they are critical to the success of an individual, and the business they represent. They don't know how it's done, and cannot teach others.

This book proposes to address that issue: to examine relationships and derive a process or building and maintaining them. It may not work for everyone, in every situation, but it provides some insights and ideas into a topic that is of significant importance.

Building Relationships Is a Skill

Relationships don't occur accidentally: it requires and approach that is conscious, systematic, and routine. Hence, it is the product of process, which can be broken into tasks. Hence, those processes and tasks can be understood and improved. Hence, relationship building is a skill, and one that can be taught or learned.

The author describes a process, which will be detailed further throughout the book, that has three basic steps:

  1. Think: Understand the nature of relationships and adopt the attitude that they are important.
  2. Ask: Post the right questions, in the right way, and for the right reasons. Much fo relationship building means learning about the other person.
  3. Do: You must act in ways that foster a positive relationship. Demonstrate integrity, professionalism, caring - and, especially, a sense of genuine concern that goes beyond mere words.

The author asserts that learning these skills are critical to both immediate and long-term success. The more high-quality relationships a person has, the more successful they will be in gaining the cooperation of others, and the more rewarding and fulfilling their professional life will be,

Anecdotes

(EN: The author goes into a couple of anecdotes, which I'll summarize greatly. The danger is that, when authors use this, they tend to get lost in the narrative and seldom make their point very clearly or convincingly - but browsing forward, it seems to be sporadic in this book.)

The author tells an anecdote about a packaging salesman who developed a working relationship with the owner of a local office who repaired an appliance for him - the cost was very reasonable, and he was grateful, and by way of returning the favor, he offered to get the shop manager a deal on any shipping materials he needed. It was a positive, cordial relationship with a low-revenue customer until the company, for whom the local shop was a small branch, moved its repair operations to the same town. By virtue of his relationship with the shop manager, the salesman was "paid back" by getting the business of the facility, which did a considerable amount of business with his firm.

The second anecdote is of a salesperson who went to work for an accounting firm, and attempted to win new clients by offering them "the same or better service" at a significant discount (as smaller accounting firms have considerable overhead built into their rates), but had difficulty weaning customers away from a small local firm - companies noted that they had a "good relationship" with this firm and weren't interested in changing. The salesman learned this other firm did much more for its customers than the bare-minimum payroll and tax accounting services, as well as consulting with customers about the financial management of their operations, and customers regarded them as not merely a firm that provided a service, but a firm that helped them run their core businesses.

Four Observations About Selling

The notion of selling is often too narrowly defined, to attempting to convince a prospect to buy a product. In a broader sense, selling is more pervasive: you must be persuasive to sell an idea, to get people to cooperate. As such, the principles of "selling" have much broader applications.

The author presents a few basic observations about selling:

The author contrasts the reaction of a person whose received a recommendation, even an unsolicited one, from a friend, versus the reaction o the same person to the recommendation of a salesman. Naturally, the former is more successful in affecting their perception and behavior than the latter, and it comes down to goodwill in a relationship. The more a salesman can build goodwill, the better his chances of closing a deal.

Meaningful Dialogue Comes With Trust

The author defines "meaningful dialogue" as one that seeks to expose the truth. This has become less common in business conversations because people are adversarial, and will evade, conceal, or even misrepresent information to keep the other party in the dark, for fear that the truth would be misused, or to save face in a potentially embarrassing situation.

It is even more common in sales presentations, in which salesmen adopt the "tough negotiator: stance of attempting to sell, without understanding the customer's needs, and certainly without developing rapport. Customers, in return, attempt to avoid manipulation by concealing key facts about themselves.

Ultimately, a successful sales encounter is not just the one-time sale of an item, but the establishment and maintenance of trust. And from the buyer's perspective, it is successful if the product suits their needs. With both sides concealing information, this is unlikely to occur: the salesman will have to guess what the customer needs, the customer will have to guess at what the salesman's product does, and neither will be entirely correct.

Of key importance is proceeding discreetly. If you can't get through the smoke-and-mirrors, attempt to discover information from the dialogue - listen to the things that are bothering them, ask for details. Listening is more important than talking, and you will win trust from someone who expects that, because you have listened, you understand their needs.

At the same time, a good relationship is not a substitute for salesmanship: you must still explain features and benefits, service requirements, contract obligations, and the myriad fo details regarding the time - but a good relationship will make the buyer more inclined to listen openly and accept what you're telling them is true.

Also, keep in mind that the value of the relationship will, over the long term, be greater than the value of the immediate sale. Pressing too hard to make immediate sales, annual or quarterly quotas, leads to damaging a business relationship that can be more productive over the long term.

The Relationship Pyramid

The author depicts relationships in a pyramid of six levels:

  1. People who know me, but not my name
  2. People who know me by name
  3. People who like me
  4. People who are friendly with me
  5. People who respect me
  6. People who value a relationship with me

(EN: It might be worthwhile as well to study the basement of the pyramid: from people who don't know me at all, people who are leery of me, and people who utterly hate me. Truth be told, you don't start out on neutral ground wit hall people - chances are, a few of them are going to start underground)

Moving from level 1 to level 2 is fairly simple: the most subtle and effective way to do this is to learn and use their names, and they will often reciprocate by learning you name (if only because it's socially awkward not to do so).

The third level, "people who like me" simply means that they don't mind your presence. They don't dodge your calls, look for excuses to cut short conversations, etc. In a sense, it's people who don't dislike you.

The next level, friendliness, can be gleaned from their reaction to you. Specifically, they are willing to talk about more than the immediate business at hand, and will volunteer information about themselves. (EN: in terms of social psychologically, these individuals are seeking to connect. The information they offer is a proactive attempt to find common ground by throwing out details to enable the other person to match or mirror.)

(EN: I'd also be interested in knowing the author's take on individuals who attempt a more interrogative tactic - people who volunteer no information about themselves, but grill you for information so that they may match against you. I'm not quite sure whether this is a friendly tactic or a passively hostile one, and tend to suspect the latter.)

The next level, respect, indicates that the other party has formed a positive opinion of your integrity, knowledge, and character. (EN: the author doesn't provide much here, and defaults to quoting a dictionary for a definition of the concept.)

The last level are the individual who not only recognize a relationship exists with you, but value that connection because they feel it serves their interest to be connected to you: they feel you are willing and able to help them, and are unlikely to abuse the trust they place in you. And generally, they are willing to reciprocate.

In business, most relationships are in the know/life/friendly range - it's fairly simple, and does not require an investment of much time to get people into this zone. (EN: I think the author is considering this in a sales context only - relationships among colleagues and coworkers tend to escalate readily into the higher levels.)

However, relationships at these levels are not generally productive ones. Getting individuals to respect you and value their relationship with you are much more difficult, and require more time.

Gaining Respect: Knowledge, Integrity, Actions

Knowledge is critical in winning respect. The author, uncharacteristically blunt, flatly declares that people will nto respect you "if they think you are an idiot." Especially in a sales situation, you must have a level of expertise: know your product, be able to answer questions intelligently. Breadth of knowledge is also helpful, even if the knowledge is not germane (you're a wine enthusiast, Civil War buff, fan of old movies, etc.) - it need not be encyclopedic, just a passing familiarity. This is critical to "small talk," in which businesspeople feel one another out (to ensure your intellect is not just rote memorization of practical details).

The author also glosses over integrity, stating that "gif you don't have it, I'm not sure a book is goint to help you get it. If you do have it, you don't need me to tell you how to get it." The author notes that people respect and value individuals who have the courage to do what is right in the face of external pressures, and who don't' compromise on ethics in order to accomplish a short-term goal. (EN: I think the author is struggling with the concept of ethics here, and hasn't' quite worked it out.)

Finally, the author cites actions - specifically, that a person demonstrates their character through what they do, rather than merely what they say (EN: this is integrity). He also alludes to the salespeople who will exceed customer expectations, going beyond their proposal or contractual obligations to help them.

Key Points About the Pyramid

(EN: the author seems to come unraveled here - a staccato burst of seemingly random information that seems important, but that he was unable to work into the chapter. I'll take notes, but it'll be a bumpy ride.)

The author cautions about appeasing promises - saying "I'll have it to you by Friday" will get them off the phone now, but if you miss the deadline, you'll lose some respect. Apparently, this is a widespread habit, even when the customer doesn't insist on a specific deadline, and its' very detrimental to relationships.

If you have a good relationship, you will be granted more latitude when things go awry. If you have a history of good service, a late delivery will be seen as an anomaly and not a pattern; or the minor shortcoming will be outweighed by the greater value they get from the relationship. So long as it does not become perpetual, minor mistakes won't do much damage. However, the converse is true of weak relationships: you will have to work harder to avoid mistakes, even small ones, until you have earned the trust of the other party.

A related point: handling adversity gracefully can bolster a relationship. You're expected to get the goods to them on time if the truck is in good working order. They may forgive you being late if the truck broke down. They will be impressed if the truck broke down, but you find a way to get the goods to them in spite of the obstacle. (EN: The author doesn't mention service recovery, though it's worth considering in this same context. In certain instances, customer loyalty is bolstered by a company that has failed, btu has made amends, more so than for a company that never made a mistake at all.)

Another random bit: the author concedes that the regard one person holds for another may not be in perfect step with the pyramid. A person can be friendly to someone whose name they don't know. But in terms of conscious activities to build relationships, you generally have to go through the steps ion order - and cannot leap from a person who doesn't know your name to having a valued relationship in a single bound. Getting to the top of the pyramid takes time - sometimes a lot of it. Respect is not won instantaneously, nor is a relationship formed in a single encoutner. There are no shortcuts to the top, and it tends to be a gradual process.

Also, the process in the book will not "work" with everyone. Some people simply don't want a relationship with you - and no matter how hard you work to win their respect, they will not show much interest. The author suggests that when someone does not want to enter into a relationship with you, it's much like being jilted for a date: move on to someone else. (EN: that seems a bit facile, and leaves the reader at a loss when dealing with a colleague or neighbor. I would not accept that it is impossible to de-ice person, but merely that this author won't be of any help.)

(EN: In related news, the author also seems to avoid inverting the situation - to suggest that there are others who may seek to form a relationship with you, with whom you don't want to be involved. While the salesman's credo is to be a friend to everyone, the fact remains that you can't really afford to invest time in relationships that are not productive, or that in some instances you must choose between two parties. This also bears consideration.)

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