10: Manipulating
Human relationships are based on trust, and this trust is often granted to other people on credit - if we withheld trust until it was earned, we would never interact with anyone socially. Con artists, swindlers, imposters, and other unsavory types profit by misusing this trust: they recognize that people will give them the benefit of the doubt, believe what they say, and help them so long as they can keep them deceived - and many people are so socially inclined that they will continue to give a dishonest person their trust even when they strongly suspect that they are being had, even when it seems that any rational person would recognize the deception, as a method of avoiding the unpleasant situation of confronting someone.
There's a brief mention of intentional deception used as a tactic in warfare: where there is a desire to win at all costs, contempt for the opponent, and a disregard for any relationship that will follow the resolution of the conflict, deception seems a wise tactic - it's a way to get what you want with less effort and less risk than going about things honestly. Deception games are common in sports (to "fake out" an opponent) and games like poker (which has more to do with deception than the luck of the draw), and even childrens' games involve deceiving others. The arts themselves are largely forms of deception - getting the audience to suspend their disbelief and act as if they are witnessing (or reading about) actual events. So it can be said that deception is tolerated and even taught in our culture.
However, we draw the line where deception causes others harm in situations where they had an expectation of dealing with others honestly and fairly. It is particularly noxious in the context of relationships, as it does serious damage: the trust we grant to people on credit, once violated, is not extended again - so manipulation is a short-term strategy to get what you want, but at the cost of losing the trust of the other party and possibly the trust of others who learn of your deception.
Fraud on the Grand Scale
We are accustomed to the small-scale fraud: isolated instances that seem to waste a little bit of our money and a little bit of our time. But fraud also happens on a grand scale: consider securities fraud, for example.
The author goes into an extended narrative about Bernie Madoff, whose pyramid scheme robbed investors an estimated $50 billion. There's another extended section in which he talks about the accounting scandals at Enron, Tyco, Worldcom, and other firms. There's another section about employees who get by, and often get ahead, by sucking up to the bosses and taking advantage of their peers. (EN: This goes on for quite a while and seems largely idiosyncratic and incidental - no general principles to extract.)
Insights on Manipulating
- Social methods of influence are commonly used by manipulators, largely because they are easily faked and people will go along with things that are entirely irrational. Posing as an authority or a role model is highly common because people comply without questioning.
- Logical methods of influence may also be used, but they are often based on fallacious logic that is easily debunked. The "fast-talking" technique is used to keep the mark from pausing to think about what was said because they would quickly realize the error in the logic.
- Large-scale and long-term manipulations also leverage socializing, relationships, and alliances. In a pyramid scheme, the earliest victims are used to convince others.
- A common quality of most lies and deceptions is that it involves telling another person what they want to hear - they accept these lies easily, without a lot of convincing or checking up. Most commercial fraud promise people that they will profit, and counts on their greed to overwhelm their common sense.
Defense against Manipulation
Some random tips:
- Beware of flatterers. Ingratiating oneself to someone else is a common tactic - if someone wants to make fast friends or is trying hard to be liked instantly, you can expect that they want to draw on that friendship. When someone seems to be trying to make you feel special or important, be cautious.
- Beware grandiose claims. Many frauds are based on things that sound too good to be true: a fast and low-risk return on investment, a miraculous cure, and so on. Con artists lack subtlety and shoot for the moon.
- Ask questions and demand answers. Manipulators present falsehoods that often work only if you accept them without question, and which disintegrate under even a little bit of scrutiny. Ask questions and see if they are dodged or answered.
- Beware of your own emotions. When you feel yourself becoming excited by something, swept away by your passions, recognize that you are probably being worked up by someone who wants to turn off your thinking mind so that you act quickly and irrationally on emotion.
- Ask what's in it for them. Most people who attempt to influence you are trying to get something for themselves and if asked non-confrontationally they will admit it. Manipulators like to pretend to be wholly beneficent and charitable and won't admit what they are trying to get out of you.
A lot of advice about avoiding manipulation seems paranoid and antisocial: to trust no-one and avoid anyone who seems interested in helping you. For fear of being taken advantage of by the few manipulators, you alienate yourself from the majority of people whose intentions are not sinister. As was said at the beginning of the chapter, relationships are founded on trust that is given on credit - so if you extend credit to no-one, you will isolate yourself.
(EN: Other sources have mentioned this - the advice I recall is to consider what the other person is asking and if you can afford to lose it, and you must be willing to take some small losses. Most relationships start with small favors and grow slowly to asking more substantial ones. The con artists asks a lot right away, or ramps up quickly from small favors to large ones, or does a small favor and demands a large one in return.)