9: Avoiding
There is a notion in contemporary culture that the safest thing to do is nothing, and it's very often noticed that people find ways to do exactly that. Individuals avoid doing difficult or unpleasant things, claiming to have been too busy with more important things. Committees can filibuster until the entire meeting is consumed without coming to a vote or making a decision. And those who are exceptionally skilled at office politics are talented at playing games like hot potato or kick-the-can, in which they dodge responsibility or procrastinate, hoping that someone else will take care of it or that the problem will simply go away.
Inertia is one of the greatest obstacles to getting anything done or getting anyone to do anything, particularly in large organizations - and it is also one of the most powerful tactics to use when you want to avoid responsibilities and commitments. So the author feels it's worth a chapter to explore.
Three Common Types of Avoiding
The author speaks of three common types of avoidance: avoiding responsibility, avoiding conflict, and avoiding commitment.
Avoiding responsibility can be preemptive (to avoid having to do something) or reactive (to avoid blame when something has not been done). A very common method of avoidance is simply putting the decision on someone else - this can be seen in the endless discussion of where to go for lunch (Where do you want to go?) and in the spineless boss who cannot discipline an employee (What do you think I ought to do about this?). Those who shirk responsibility often attempt to cover their behavior by saying that they wish to accommodate or empower others. The particularly sneaky ones seek to be the first to ask the question.
Avoiding conflict is common because people wish to be social and get along with others - but when taken to extremes, they attempt to avoid having a disagreement or disagreeable conversation with others even when it is necessary. They often do this in hope that the problem will simply go away if they ignore it. Procrastination is often a form of avoidance, as a person who wants to do something "later" or "next week" will continue to push back the deadline hoping that the other party will forget their commitment. Escalation is another common form, in that a person who ought to handle a problem instead wants to get someone else to do it for them. People who wish to conceal their avoidance will often try to make it seem like someone else's fault that they want to delay or avoid a conversation (we'll wait to talk until you've calmed down).
Avoiding commitment occurs when a person has agreed to do something but no longer wants to do it. It is quite common in exchanges for one party to neglect their commitment after the other has already done what benefitted them, or when they simply agreed to something they never intended in order to end a conversation. The ultimate goal of the avoider is simply to do nothing and hope that the other person forgets or gives up on holding them to their obligation. Those who are adept at avoiding commitment often attempt to make the other person to blame by suggesting that they didn't keep up their end of the bargain, or pretending they did not enter into a bargain or misunderstood the terms.
Defending Against Avoiders
In the long run, your best defense against avoiders is simply to avoid them: you know that they cannot be counted upon to keep their word or do what they have promised or are supposed to take responsibility for. It is entirely plausible to accept, and state to others, that a given person "has proven unreliable in the past and cannot be counted upon in future."
If you are stuck in a situation where you must motivate an avoider to take action, the best solution is to recognize it and call them on it.
Recognizing avoidance is easier said than done: there are responsible and honest people who are unable to keep commitments for legitimate reasons, and we tend to be forgiving of them. To accuse a person of failing to keep their word is a serious allegation that will permanently damage a relationship, which is the reason many people tolerate avoiders. However when it is clear that their avoidance has gone beyond all acceptable limits (they have procrastinated multiple times), it's time to challenge it.
Challenging an avoider is simply making them aware that you recognize what they are doing. For example, you can point to their commitment, indicate that they have dodged you multiple times, and indicate that you wonder if they have any genuine interest in keeping their commitment at all. Thus cornered, most avoiders realize that the game is up and that they will suffer significant damage to their reputation if they do not take action.
Worst case scenario, they will argue with you and continue to take no action - which leaves you no worse off than before because "taking no action" is what they have done all along. At this point, you can formalize the end of the relationship and move on to find another way to accomplish your goal, formally recognizing that you will never get them to do what they should.
All of this sounds very hostile and confrontational, but it can be done most subtly and indirectly, getting your point across without being aggressive or accusatory to them. You can commiserate with them, "I can see it's difficult for you to (fulfill commitment), but I can't wait on you anymore. I'm sorry, but I will have to find someone else to help me."
The important thing is to terminate the relationship and recall their behavior. Whatever you have lost in the current conflict with an avoider is worth far less than what you can lose in the future if you continue to depend on them.
The Costs of Avoiding
All three forms of avoidance are considered to be unethical techniques because the individual who avoids is generally attempting to short-change others - to get out of doing their part when someone else will suffer the consequences or will have to take on additional effort to make up for their delinquency. Very often, the avoider can get what they want, but it comes at significant long-term cost:
- Avoiders are considered to be incompetent, unreliable, and of low character in general. They find that other people begin to avoid them, recognizing that they are dishonest and useless.
- Avoiders are found to be ineffective as persuaders: because they are people of low character, others shun them and are reluctant to work with them at all.
- Avoiders are unable to use most other forms of influence - they are recognized as useless and manipulative, and other people distrust anything they have to say.
- Avoiders tend to rely heavily on socializing, schmoozing and ingratiating themselves to others, but because they fail to hold up their end they do not develop sustainable relationships or alliances.
How to Avoid Avoiding
The problem of avoidance and its negative impacts on a person's ability to work with others should be dissuasive enough to discourage the use of avoidance - but being human, everyone is tempted to use avoidance tactics from time to time. It seems like the easy way out of a difficult situation, and may be a tactic that you find yourself using if you're simply looking to deal with something quickly, or set it aside to make time for other things. And before long, it can become a dangerous and damaging habit. If you lose the confidence and respect of your colleagues, you may have to leave the organization and start over somewhere else. It's that significant.
Avoidance is not something that happens accidentally. Other people have made their expectations clear, and may have "reminded" you multiple times that there is something that is expected of you. You have not met the expectations, may have no intention of meeting those expectations, and always seem to be able to find something else that is more important.
If the demands are unreasonable, you are avoiding a frank conversation to push back on their demands. If your workload is too heavy or resources too limited, you are avoiding a conversation about getting the assistance and resources you need. If you have a genuine intent to meet the obligations, you may be avoiding some serious soul-searching as to whether you are up to the challenges you have taken on.