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5: Socializing and Appealing to Relationship

Human begins are social animals: we find that our existence is easier when we can enlist the assistance of other people, and this is so pervasive that any relationship is automatically presumed to be something of value. We seek to fit in with some groups, to stand apart from others, and to maintain good social standing with everyone regardless of whether they are useful of if we find their company to be pleasant.

Dale Carnegie's Book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, has since 1936 been a helpful guide to people who wish to become influential - and it is entirely based on social persuasion and making connections with people. It is essentially about finding common ground with other people, on the premise that being similar gives rise to liking, and liking makes people more amenable to helping us when we need them.

It is generally accepted that friends help one another, they do favors without demanding compensation, but are open to doing favors in return. The closer we are to someone, the greater and more frequent the favors we are entitled to expect of them. Refusing a favor of a friend damages not only that relationship, but our relationships with others if our neglect becomes known. So if nothing else, people will help others to preserve and improve their own social reputation so that they have the ability to get others to help them when they need it.

Of course, there is the darker side of social influence: people whose interest is primarily in getting what they want from other people, whose interest in a relationship is merely a false pretense, and who are not willing to play fairly or return the generosity they demand of others. People are very wary of people they do not know who attempt to make "fast friends," and even of people they do not know well whose demands seem to exceed the intimacy of the relationship, simply because so many take advantage. They are cautious when someone seems to be trying too hard to ingratiate themselves, as they expect it is merely bait.

In the west, there is a distinct preference for individualism over collectivism - a person owes nothing to their society, though they do form bonds with other people whom they have chosen as associates. In the east, collectivism is more common, and becoming friends (or at least familiar) is necessary before any form of business relationship will be discussed.

As an influence technique, socializing is the second most frequently used in business relationships (second only to logical persuasion) but the most frequently used in non-business relationships, and he suggests it is the second or third most effective technique depending on culture.

Socializing

The most difficult part of social influence is establishing a connection with another person. Once a relationship is in place, it can be leveraged, but how do you use social influence with someone you have just met? How do you form a relationship to draw upon? The answer is socializing, which the author defines as "establishing a connection with other people."

Socializing operates on the basic principles of similarity and liking. People tend to feel attachment to others that are similar to themselves, so the first steps in socializing are being agreeable to one another, then finding things that you have in common (working for the same company, living in the same neighborhood, participating in the same activities, liking the same entertainment, etc.) along with finding common connections (people whom they know in common). Our friends are typically people with whom we have many traits and tastes in common.

(EN: This is not entirely true. What we are looking for in other people is the embodiment of qualities that we admire - so we often feel drawn to people who are not just as we are, but who represent the way that we wish to be. For a person who is down-to-earth and has a fair sense of himself, his friends are similar to himself, but pretentious and arrogant people often seek to make friends with those who are "better" than themselves and those who have low self-esteem are often seen in the company of those who are "worse" than they are.)

People do not need to be perfectly matched in order to feel a sense of connection, and the differences in personalities creates an opportunity to learn and grow through our connections to other people (if we knew the same things and held the same opinions, whatever would we talk about?). However, the similarities must outweigh the differences. There are people who seem to be getting along, but who suddenly detach from on another after they discover deep and irreconcilable differences on politics, religion, or other deeply-held beliefs. It's been said that "opposites attract" but in those instances the observe has noted the differences but failed to recognize the similarities between the people in question.

When we meet another person who has the same likes and beliefs as ourselves, it validates our choices. This is particularly true when the shared beliefs are uncommon or even criticized by other members of society. We feel safe in the company of people who share our beliefs and we become protective of them, and this is the basis of empathy and attachment between people.

The author provides a list of behaviors that are associated with socializing, much of which seems to be basic "manners." Largely, it's a matter of being friendly and approachable and courteous, showing respect and appreciation for others, being curious about others and open about yourself, being beneficent toward them, showing concern for their interests and feelings, etc.

There is a brief note about respecting personal boundaries and knowing what is appropriate in a given culture to avoid being overbearing. (EN: And this is all too brief - the balance between seeming disinterested and seeming too interested is a very delicate one, though this differs greatly among cultures as well as individuals.)

These behaviors are facilitated by interpersonal skills: the ability to read other peoples' emotional states, the ability to listen attentively, the ability to communicate clearly, and so on. Two individual skills/traits are mentioned: being enthusiastic and self-confident are universally admired characteristics, but again there are cultural differences in how much enthusiasm and self-confidence may be too much.

There are some limitations to socializing. Mainly, it takes time to build a relationship to the point that it yields dividends, and people who try to make friends too fast or ask favors too soon often end up being distrusted and avoided instead. Also, the effects of socializing vary from person to person - there is no single approach that will create a sense of connection with all people, and they make friendships at different speeds such that you cannot count on a given level of intimacy and permissiveness, not to mention that there are some people who are simply antisocial or socially awkward and are nearly impossible to befriend. And finally, social influence has been so thoroughly abused that some people are reluctant to be friendly with business colleagues or to do business with people they consider to be friends.

There's a brief mention of short-term friendship: people often feel liking for others with whom they are in brief contact in a given situation. Very often people who are travelling together, or staying at the same vacation resort, or are simply stuck in a temporary situation such as a waiting room, will form short-term social connections. These are unpredictable and difficult to capitalize upon, but they can set the stage for a later relationship - consider the number of married couples whose initial contact was a chance encounter.

The author then suggests situations in which socializing is relevant:

A few tips for effective socializing:

Leveraging Relationships

Ultimately, the goal of socializing is to create relationships to other people that will lead to mutual support and collaboration. When you need assistance with something, you will have build a substantial network of friends to draw upon, who can help or likely connect you to someone else who can. This all sounds good and well, but remember that you are also obligated to the same people to the same degree: relationships are about reciprocity, and the "friend" who always takes and never gives is not a friend for long.

Not all relationships are worthwhile. There is some mention of parasitic relationships, in which one person is constantly making demands of the other and even suggesting that their relationship depends on the other person's doing their bidding. Then, there are toxic relationships in which one person becomes so dependent on another that they self-sacrifice (sometimes literally, such as in the case of cults) or do things they know to be wrong to appease their friends.

It is difficult to measure how often appeal to relationship is used as an influencing technique, because it generally happens in the private communications between people. In public discourse such as business meetings, presentations, and speeches, personal friendships are seldom mentioned at all because they are generally regarded to be subversive rather than supportive. It's suspected that a great deal of influence is exerted within families - between married couples, parents and children, and even more distant relations - and among circles of friends in private life.

While nepotism is frowned upon in western cultures, "networking" is considered a valuable skill. Many people find career opportunities through a network of friends and do favors for their friends in return. The practice of dealing with friends only becomes harmful when doing a favor for a friend harms your employer in some way - but in office politics, there is always a liability when someone objects to your hiring or giving a contract to "a friend" even when they were qualified or deserving. In the east, nepotism is more tolerated and is even in some instances expected: a company may even hire a thoroughly incompetent person for their social connections.

There are overt requests within a relationship in which one person makes a direct request - they may make reference to asking a favor to acknowledge or concede that there is nothing in it for the other person and they are asking them to do it "as a friend." Other times it will be phrased as a question of "Would you like to ..." or "Should we ..." in which one person is more subtly motioning another person toward doing something.

A checklist of qualitative that make leveraging relationships effective:

Tips for leveraging relationships:

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