6: Affluent Finishing School
Referring back to the research he had done, affluent people are most strongly influenced by the people they know in real life. While the recommendations of friends and family bear little weight in the decision-making process, they are significant factors in information gathering - i.e., they count on people they know to make suggestions and provide information, but ultimately buy based on their own assessment.
On the other hand, they are nearly impervious to the suggestions made by salespeople - their advice and recommendations are viewed with suspicion, and attempting to help them make decisions is an affront to their sense of dignity and independence. However, this is not to say a salesman has no influence at all, and must be attentive to the missteps that may have a strong negative influence.
(EN: There's a long diversion here about someone the author personally coached, but it doesn't seem to get to a coherent point: he advised the guy to get a new suit, clean up his office, and take a Carnegie course on dealing with people. Good ideas, but it seems a bit oblique.)
In spite of the popularity of telecommunications and the Internet, face-to-face communication remains critical, especially for significant purchases, and especially for affluent customers.
And for face-to-face communications, emphasis is placed on the content of the message. The also cites the statistic that indicates that only 7% of communication is verbal, 38% is tone of voice, and 55% are visual cues during conversation.
(EN: This is a complete misinterpretation of the research. Albert Mehrabian's studies, conducted between 1967 and 1971, cited these exact figures as being the cues that people consider most important when there are apparent inconsistencies - when a gesture, tone, and words are not in synch, which belies the speaker's "true" feelings. This is not the same as the way that the person receives or understands the message, which h is found to be entirely based on content. Mehrabian himself has expressed frustration at how often his research is misinterpreted in this exact manner.)
Mastering The First Three Minutes
The author suggests that the first three minutes of an encounter with another person are the most critical. (EN: I have not been able to find the original research, but found a handful of other sources that claim the same thing.) it is during this time that another person forms an impression that will become the basis of their opinion of another person.
The author provides some basic tips: smile, make eye contact, relax, be natural, offer a firm handshake.
How To Introduce Yourself
One thing that many people struggle with is deciding how to start a conversation with a stranger. Some seem to have the knack, others don't, but the author presents it as fairly simple: your goal is to give the other person your name and provide a common reference point, and the conversation will generally flow naturally from there.
Some suggestions:
- If you know of a personal connection, mention it.
- If you have a friend in common, mention them
- If you belong to the same organization, mention that as well
- If you're in a formal sales situation, mention your role.
(EN: This is identical to the way that you would introduce two people you know who have not met one another - seeing it that way makes it seem less in the nature of self-promotion and more in the nature of a common pattern.)
Do not make the mistake of boring the other person with a longer introduction of attempting to impress them with your credentials - this will seem arrogant. You can work those into the later conversation, but the initial introduction is very simple: "Hi, I'm [name]. [point of reference]"
Projecting The Right Image
Image is likewise misidentified as a matter of personal appearance, but the author asserts that it is more a matter of attitude - a person can "dress right" but still "feels wrong" is not likely to make a positive impression, and the mismatch will make them seem all the more awkward.
However, physical appearance remains important, and the author provides a number of tips:
- If you're not aware of the dress code, then wear a suit. You can remove your coat and tie, but can't put one on if you've erred on the side of being too casual.
- Navy blue connotes power, and is a good choice. Black projects an air of authority, and may be a bad choice for a first encounter. (EN: Grey is also an acceptable color, which makes a person more approachable.)
- Whatever you wear, make sure it's clean, pressed, and in good repair.
- Facial hair (beards and moustaches) create a feeling of distrust for many people, and sunglasses connote you are hiding something.
- Your attire does not need to be lavish, but should at least connote quality: wool and leather are standard.
- For women, avoid seeming girlish or sexually suggestive
- Avoid wearing bright colors, or several different colors together
- Be conservative in jewelry. Large or gaudy items make you seem desperate to present an image of wealth.
The author refers to the "Pygmalion effect," take from the play of the same name (not the Greek myth): if you dress the part and act the part, people will accept you as what you appear to be, and in turn you will become that person.
(EN: Worth noting that the play, written for a British audience, is much more dramatic in the context of that culture, where a person is assumed to be born into a class and there is no social mobility. In America, the caste system is virtually nonexistent: people tend to accept what they see, and the notion that a person of rude birth can rise to affluence is widely accepted, and a person who has risen from the working class is admired as a success rather than denounced as an impostor.)
Self-Image Faux Pas
The author addresses a handful of common mistakes that people make when truing to project the "right" image, which end up undermining them:
- Talking too often and too long. A person who listens intently is more trusted than a person who speaks.
- Talking too much about yourself. This seems arrogant and boastful, like your trying to put yourself above the other person.
- Being too friendly too fast. Attempting to force intimacy by calling the other person by a nickname, telling an off-color joke, or making too much physical contact, seems superficial and desperate.
- Making assumptions. Demonstrating you are familiar with someone by telling them what they think is highly offensive.
- Dressing too flashy. Affluent people tend to be subtle in their attire and jewelry. People who dress too well and wear attention-catching jewelry are quickly seen as impostors or newcomers to affluence.
Sometimes, you can be attentive to your own behavior to determine if you are doing these or other things. In other cases, you may need to discreetly ask someone if you are doing anything that seems inappropriate.
Speaking The Right Message
The language you use when you speak, especially subtle cues and messages, are also important. The author suggests Toastmasters as a group that can help people with public speaking in general, and if you have particular problems (a strong accent or poor pronunciation in general), consider hiring a speech therapist to help.
A few general tips:
- Adopt the vocabulary of your audience. Speak in plain terms, avoiding any technical jargon, until the other person has used it.
- Be aware of the taboo topics of politics, religion, and sexuality. (EN: Money, health, and physical appearance have also been suggested by other sources as dangerous ground)
- Avoid saying anything negative about anyone, especially others from your company and your competition.
- Maintain confidentiality at all times and avoid disclosing private details about others. If you need to tell a story or give an example, do not disclose names.
- Beware of being too talkative in general. People enjoy talking about themselves to others, but are bored when others do the same.
- Listen. Be attentive to what the other person is saying, such that you can repeat back to them what they just said. (EN: An especially effective technique is to refer to something they said before making a statement of your own. Do this periodically, but not too constantly.)
Back To Basics
The author refers to Dale Carnegie's book "How to Win Friends and Influence People." Published in 1937, it remains to this day on the reading list of many professionals. Read it if you haven't, and re-read it periodically if you have.
Aside of that, consider Carnegie's six basic principles:
- Show genuine interest in other people
- Smile
- Learn, and use, other peoples' names
- Encourage others to talk about themselves
- Talk in terms of their interests
- Make the other person feel important, sincerely