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8: How to Communicate Effectively

Communication can also be considered a process - it is an activity that is done regularly and can be approached systematically, and it is more effective to that a tactical approach to communication rather than to attempt to ad-lib your way to a positive outcome.

Component #1: Personal Traits

The author defines three personal traits that have a significant impact on conversation: personal composure, problem solving, and interpersonal savvy.

Composure is necessary to dealing with a tyrant, whose tactic is to zero in on your weak points to "rattle" you so that you respond emotionally rather than logically. Reflective listening is an effective defense against this tactic. This method involves considering what a person intended to communicate, whatever words they happened to choose to communicate it. This approach enables you to respond to the valid message (if one exists) and strips away the "bait" they are offering.

Problem-solving involves identifying and addressing the right issues. In any interaction, the essential "problem" is surrounded by false signals, even after intentional "bait" and misdirection is stripped away. A person's skill at identifying the right issue and finding an effective way to address it minimizes miscommunication. A method for doing this is simply to ask questions that identify the core issue rather than relying on assumptions to deduce what the issue might be.

"Interpersonal Savvy" is the ability to understand the interests and attitudes of other people, specifically a person with whom you are dealing, to better interpret what they are saying and to respond in a way that is effective for the specific person and situation. Interpersonal savvy is a matter of conservation, particularly of nonverbal cues transmitted by the other party and the cues you give in response.

Component #2: Effective Conversation

Conversation is an informational exchange between two people. In order for it to be effective, each person must be effective in their role as a speaker (when communicating information to the other person) and as a listener (to interpret information the other person provides).

While one party cannot control the other's ability to effectively communicate, they can adapt to compensate for the other party's weakness: to listen more intently to a poor speaker, or to speak more clearly to a poor listener, to improve the overall effectiveness of communication.

The initial part of a conversation defines the subject, and it's important to cut through the superficial conversational chatter to identify what the true interest of the other party is. This requires paying close attention to their opening lines, and asking questions where it is not entirely clear what they are intending to discuss.

A stray tip is provided, to use "we" rather than "I" statements, to focus communication of common interests and common ground. The conflict of what I want and what you want is diffused by focusing on what we want - the common goals rather than the points of contention.

When dealing with a poor listener, whether from a lack of skills or a willingness to devote attention to the conversation, brevity is important. Summarize your message into twenty or thirty seconds, to get the main point across. Follow up with details afterward, or better still allow the other person to ask questions to draw the details out of you (which gives them a more active role in the conversation, which is important to a domineering person).

Ultimately, most conversations are geared to elicit a negotiated commitment on the part of the other person to undertake an action. A tyrant is particularly different to pin down, both in terms of getting him to accept a commitment (making a commitment to a subordinate is a sign of weakness) or to clearly communicate to you what commitment he seeks (this would reveal a hidden agenda). This is where brevity and conciseness come into play - not only in giving a brief statement that has no room for subterfuge, but in getting an equally brief and definitive statement from the other party.