12: Male-Female Relationships
The opening anecdote describes a student in the United States who went home to India to get married. His American friends found the idea of an arranged marriage (interviewing candidates selected by his parents, marrying someone he hardly knew) unusual, funny, or even offensive. And for his part, the student found American relationships and courtship to be equally unusual and unfathomable.
INFLUENCES ON MALE-FEMALE RELATIONSHIPS
Going back to the values of independence and equality, Americans consider that men and women interact with one another as individuals rather than as representatives of a gender. AS such, it should not be considered that a relationship between a man and a woman is necessarily sexual or romantic in nature: they can be "just friends" to varying degrees, and over a long period of time.
It's also noted that women in American largely have equal status to men, and an unmarried woman is not considered to be unsuccessful. While there is some stigma attached to a woman who has children out of wedlock, it is significantly less than in previous generations. It's noted that little ado was made of political candidate Sara Palin's unmarried and pregnant teenage daughter, which would have been a career-ending scandal just a generation or two prior.
The notion of free interaction between the sexes is puzzling to many international visitors, especially to those whose home countries find male-female differences to be central to culture. A few quotes are presented from exchange students from France, which is generally considered to be a fairly progressive Western nation, that express bewilderment about the way in which Americans disregard gender.
There is also a notion of equality of the sexes in America - but like equality among races, it is not a completely realized ideal. Again, statistics and opinions support either side of the argument - and again, the author goes into a fair amount of detail - but aside of the political posturing, gender relations are less divided and there are less discrepancies than racial, but divides and discrepancies do exist.
In general, the 1960's is seen as the turning point for the role of Women in the United States (EN: though this is placing too much emphasis on one event in a much a longer struggle in which women gained and lost ground over many generations. Suffrage was ratified as a Constitutional amendment in 1918, women enjoyed a great deal of autonomy until the 1950's, then suffered a decade or so of repression before the 1960's period of political activity.)
Even so, some attitudes about the role of women remain from the previous male-dominated era: such as the traditional role of the woman as domestic (cooking, cleaning, childcare), being less assertive and more agreeable, etc., and there are still certain professions from which women are either expressly excluded (combat roles in the armed forces) or that are considered inappropriate. There's brief mention about the backlash against the women's movement, and a desire to reclaim traditional roles and withdraw from the ideal of complete egalitarianism.
It's also noted that upbringing has a considerable effect. Children notice the patterns of behavior in their parents, particularly in the differences between the genders and they way they interact, and continue to model those behaviors in their adult lives, even contrary to what they may encounter, experience, or come to believe. As parents, they may unconsciously model the behavior they have been taught or actively seek to change the way their own children perceive gender differences.
INFORMAL MALE-FEMALE RELATIONSHIPS
Men and women interact freely, and there is no marked difference in the interaction between people of opposite sexes and interaction between people of the same sex in public places. At social events, the two interact freely, though it is still common for some groups of males or females to form to discuss topics that have a tendency to appeal to one gender or the other due to traditional roles (men gather to talk sports, women gather to talk fashion).
In schools, most institutions are co-educational: men and women (boys and girls) attend the same institution and study in the same classes. Sports teams are sometimes gender-specific, but co-ed teams are becoming increasingly common.
Socialization fo co-workers outside of the workplace, such as sitting at lunch or gathering for drinks after work, is much the same as socialization in general: mixed, but with same-sex subgroups tending to form out of common interests.
It is noted that conversation in "mixed company" tends to be different from those in single-sex groups. In a mixed group, women are more likely to initiate conversation and control the topics, there is a tendency toward more formal communication and avoidance of sensitive topics, especially ones of a sexual nature. When it is a single-sex group, both men and women tend to discuss more personal or sensitive topics, be more informal and relaxed, and use coarse language.
WORKPLACE RELATIONSHIPS
The notion of equality in the workplace goes beyond merely admitting women to professional positions to creating a hospitable and non-threatening environment, and requiring workers to treat female employees as they would a male of similar rank and role.
The notion of what constitutes "sexual harassment" remains unclear. Behavior such as demanding sexual favors from a female worker in exchange for a raise or promotion is perhaps the most egregious violation. Seeking to pursue romantic relationships with coworkers is more of a gray area. Discussing the topic of sex in a break room or having a photograph of a woman wearing a bikini in a locker even more so.
(EN: Today, there is no gray area - all of these are generally accepted to be inappropriate. This, and much of what follows, leads me to question whether this section ahs been sufficiently updated to reflect changes in culture since the previous edition. Problems of this degree existed some twenty years ago, and may still exist today, but are far less commonplace. Remnants of this era still exist - such as policies for employee conduct, but they are vestiges of a period of transition rather than features of the current culture.)
(EN: The author does not go beyond the issue of sexual harassment to really consider relationships in the workplace. Especially as Americans are working longer hours and making fewer contacts outside of the workplace, it's becoming more common for coworkers to become romantically entangled. It is not encouraged, and it's understood that it must not influence their interaction in the office - and in some instances, it's understood that if a relationship develops, especially if coworkers marry, they can generally continue to work in the same place, but care is taken to avoid conflicts of interest, such as being on the same team, one reporting directly to the other, or the two being in positions where they could collude to defraud the company.)
ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS
Americans strongly believe that the selection of a marital partner is a choice of the two individuals concerned. An "arranged marriage" such as the one described at the beginning of this chapter is incompatible with the American values of independence and freedom, though it's not unknown in certain immigrant communities.
This does not mean that marital partners are selected at random: most Americans marry people of similar ethnic background, religion, economic class, and geographical origin. This is reasoned to be because Americans meet their future mates through mutual friends or family, or in places they customarily go during the course of their daily lives (and people of similar culture, class, etc. seem to follow the same patterns in a community). Marriage outside of these parameters, specifically outside or religion or race, are increasingly common but still a small minority of marriages in general.
It is typical for Americans to marry at a certain age (26 for women, 28 for men), and those who marry or remarry later in life have difficulty finding mates in traditional ways, so an increasing number of people turn to dating services for help identifying potential partners.
Traditionally, romantic relationships began with a formal date: a man would express interest in forming a closer bond with a women he had met by asking a woman to attend an activity (typically dinner and a movie) for which he would pay. If everything went well, there would be another date, then dating would become habitual, and eventually a proposal would be made. This custom is fading, and while people still "date" in this manner, the ritual is regarded as quaint.
In the current day, young people generally gather in groups for activities. A man interested in pursuing a woman, or a woman interested in pursuing a man, will make the arrangements directly to include their intended in the group, or impose upon a confidante the group to do so, and the suitor will seek to be proximate to their intended in group activities until the two of them "couple up" at which time they will isolate themselves from the group (or within it).
In either case, many courtships end abruptly. Two people may lose interest in one another before they form a couple, or they may go out on a single date and decide not to pursue a second. Others may go on several dates, but eventually break apart. For that reason, Americans do not consider dating, even going out on several dates, to be indicative of a serious relationship.
Two people who have coupled may date or otherwise spend time together before they discuss marriage. Couples may even decide to cohabitate - to live together without becoming married - without any explicit discussion of it being a precursor to marriage.
The author pauses to considered cohabitation - which was strongly disapproved of even a few generations ago, but has become entirely causal. It's suggested that the decline in both the marriage and divorce rate in America are due to cohabitation - people who cohabitate and then split apart would likely have married and quickly divorced in previous generations.
It's noted that Americans seldom introduce their romantic partners to their parents, unless they think that the relationship is becoming serious and marriage may eventually be likely.
When Americans do marry, it's common for traditional rituals to be observed: the man usually asks the woman to marry him (and will sometimes seek permission of her family beforehand), and will arrange for their marriage to take place at a church or temple and be presided over by a religious leader. Others opt for a civil ceremony, being married by a judge at a courthouse, rather than a religious one. (EN: In some states, a civil ceremony is required in order for the marriage to be recognized by the law, so couples will have both.) Couples may elope (to have a wedding "secretly"), but it is more common to have at least some friends and family present.
The American "wedding ceremony" is very short - the ritual exchange of oaths that constitutes the marriage takes a few minutes - but many continue to be elaborately planned events that involve large groups of people, many ritual activities before and after, and costs many thousands of dollars.
The author notes that this chapter has focused primarily on heterosexual romantic relationships, but notes that homosexual relationships are increasingly open and accepted in American society. While there is great controversy over gay "marriage," civil unions are recognized in a growing number of states, and more employers are recognizing same-sex couples as equivalent to heterosexual ones in terms of employee benefits.
(EN: I also notice the author completely avoids the notion of sexuality in this chapter - likely out of fear of offending readers from cultures where any mention of sex is offensive. It seems very odd, but may be just as well, as it's an intensely personal issue, subject to a lot of variations that are more psychological than cultural, and likely a moot point for most interactions in business or public life.)