10: Social Relationships
The chapter begins with rather a long passage from a British journalist - his shock at the informality (complete strangers would say "hi" to him in passing), people of various stations in life address one another by their first names and shun titles of respect. But he notes that in America, there is a vast difference between friendliness and friendship, and that Americans tend to make friends slowly, and even then to be remote and private - very difficult to get to know one on "a deeper level."
This chapter means to discuss the notions of friendliness and friendship, with particular attention to providing guidance for foreigners who want to meet people and develop relationships with Americans.
MEETING NEW PEOPLE
In some cultures, a person simply does not talk to another person unless they have been formally introduced by a friend or colleague - but this is no so in the United States. A complete stranger may say "hello" or strike up a casual conversation, and this is perfectly acceptable (and considered rude not to return the greeting or engage in the conversation).
The author raises the question of why people pursue relationships with others - with the answer being to get something for themselves. He relates experiences in two separate cultures (China and Peru) ion which people would approach him in a friendly manner, and eventually get around to asking for a favor.
In America, people consider this to be offensive, and are on guard of people who pursue a friendship too aggressively because it is often a precursor to such an imposition. Americans are cautious of being taken advantage of - it is the strategy of a kind of criminal, a "con artist," to seek to gain the confidence of others to gain something (usually financially) for himself.
In other cultures, such behavior is normal and understood, particularly in less individualistic cultures where people do not interact as individuals but as members or representatives of groups. However, Americans see social relationships as companionship based on shared personal interests, not as a means to personal gain.
The exception to this is in the business world, in which building a large number of connections to people - called "networking" - is a means to have a way to find people with whom they may wish to do business, generally to their mutual financial benefit. However, a strong distinction is drawn between business relationships and personal friendships. (EN: This is a delicate balance, even for Americans, to understand the distinction and the line dividing the two.)
Americans generally get to know people by being cordial with individuals they meet in their daily lives: at school, in religious and volunteer organizations, at sports and leisure activities, at social events, etc. The interaction in these environments is limited to "small talk," as previously discussed in an earlier chapter. If two people find themselves meeting recurrently, especially if it is in different places, they may progress toward a closer relationship.
THE AMERICAN CONCEPT OF FRIENDSHIP
Foreign visitors sometimes report feeling betrayed by Americans who seem kind and interested but then do not allow new acquaintances to get to know them better. Compared to people in their own culture, Americans seem cold and distant - "not really human," one Brazilian is quoted as saying.
One phenomenon to consider is that American society has become more mobile and nomadic. Many individuals have moved from one place to another in the past, assume they will do so again in future, and as such prefer not to establish intimate friendships that will be painful to abandon.
It's also considered to derive from the imperative to be a self-contained individual that Americans are reluctant to depend on other people, and avoid forming close relationships for fear of dependency, one way opr the other, that would undermine their independence.
This is not to say that close friendships are nonexistence, but the degree of connectedness many foreigners form in a short amount of time will take years for Americans to develop. Even then, there is some distance in a friendship - each person goes about their daily activities, and may go weeks or longer without spending time with close friends. The author concedes that these are generalizations, and some Americans are willing to devote time to getting to know new acquaintances and develop close friendships. But it tends to be with a small number of people, perhaps two or three at the most.
The most important characteristics of a close friendship, in the American sense, is the ability to discuss and share private, personal matters with another person in confidence, as well as to persist the relationship over time and distance.
Interaction with friends is briefer in America than in other countries. Generally, socializing with friends means an activity of an hour or so - having a meal at a restaurant, going to a movie or a sporting events, play a game of cards, or have a few drinks. They generally become uncomfortable if they are in the presence of other people for more than an hour or so without some structured activity or distraction.
It may be because of their emphasis on "doing things" with friends that Americans tend to form compartmentalized friendships - which was previously mentioned (a friend with whom you go to the gym, friends with whom you study, etc.). Likewise, there are "work friends" who may have lunch together every day and sometimes go out for drinks after work, but never visit one another's'homes or meet each others' families.
American teenagers seem to be an exception to this: they often "hang out" with other teens for long periods of time, even in groups of people who don't know one another very well. Even so, the sense they convey is that they are not so much enjoying the idle company of one another as they are looking for something to do or waiting for something to happen.
Most Americans also believe it is possible to have friends of the opposite sex, and do not automatically assume that a male and a female who are congenial toward one another are necessarily sexually involved. It's noted that the friendship may lead to a romantic involvement, or that there will be "sexual tension" between a man and a woman who spend time together, but they believe people are capable of showing the restraint to avoid sexual interaction in a friendly relationship.
Technology, namely social networking, enables friends to stay in touch, even over distance, but this form of contact tends to be superficial - "touching base" or "keeping tabs" with many connections at once rather than making personal or individual contact. It began as a fad among teenagers and college students, but has grown to encompass Americans of all ages.
Technology is also seen to both support and undermine social interaction among friends: cell phones, in particular, can provide a convenient way for individuals to make arrangements to meet and spend time together. It's also noted that a person who seems to be physically present at a social gathering will be engaged with his cell phone, interacting with someone who isn't present, separate from the group he is physically with.
The user of handwritten letters to communicate with distant friends is fading in popularity. E-mail has substituted for handwritten letters, as well as online chat, and especially posting messages to a social networking profile.
RELATIONSHIPS PRESCRIBED BY ROLES
In all cultures, there are "rules" that are unwritten, but generally understood and expected. The US is contrasted with Japan, where there are many rules for behavior and interaction - Japanese table manners, even at a seemingly informal meal, are very specific and very detailed. The author relates an anecdote about the level of specificity, in which a Japanese person asks an America about the "correct angle" for tipping a soup bowl when taking the last spoonful. Americans are perplexed at the notion of such a level of ritualism.
However, Americans do have certain rituals that they follow, and expect others to follow, in specific situations
- Customer - When interacting with sales clerks, waiters, and other service people, they treat such individuals as being more or less equal to themselves. To be rude or dismissive is "highly frowned upon."
- Tenant - The relationship between tenant and landlord is entirely formal. What is expected of the tenant and what he can expect of a landlord is spelled out in detail in the lease.
- Neighbor - In general, the rule toward neighbors is "mind your own business." This varies among neighborhoods, but it's generally accepted that neighbors don't intrude in one another's lives. AS such, most Americans don't know many of their neighbors by name and do not interact with them socially, aside of the cordial "block parties" and other events
- Coworkers - In general, people in an office environment are cordial and respectful to one another regardless of rank or status. The emphasis is on being egalitarian in relationships (as opposed to showing favoritism), maintaining a pleasant work environment for everyone, and keeping the emotional tone of the workplace under control.
COURTESY, SCHEDULES, GIFTS
The author chooses these three topics as significant elements of culture in which foreigners may have difficulty understanding American ways.
Regarding courtesy, there is a list:
In terms of schedules, Americans will seem very casual as compared to certain other cultures, coming and going when they please, but there are a few guidelines that should be considered, and a guarded posture against doing certain things at certain times.
- Meals: Americans generally take breakfast between 7 and 9 am, lunch between 11 am and 1 pm, and dinner between 6 pm and 8 pm. On weekends, these times may shift (generally later)
- Work: Office hours are considered to be 8 am to 5 pm. Though many will work earlier or later, this is considered time for individual activity. (EN: This is a little different, and somewhat unpredictable, in the retail industry. Stores, restaurants, and other businesses open to the public post hours of operation.)
- Home: Do not call or visit in the morning during workdays, or before 9:00 am on non-working days. Likewise, do not call or visit after 9:00 pm on any day.
Comparatively speaking, Americans give gifts on a relatively small number of occasions as compared to other cultures, and in a smaller circle of people. Gifts are generally given on specific occasions (birthdays, graduation, wedding, moving into a new home, and the birth of a child), the Christmas season (even for non-christians). Gifts are given to parents on Mother's Day and Father's Day, and to spouses or romantic partners on Valentine's day.
Other snippets:
- In general, gift-giving is expected to be reciprocal, and making a gift to someone who is not expecting it and unprepared to give a gift in return is embarrassing and inappropriate.
- Giving gifts to a person who is in a position to grant or withhold favors (a boss, a client, a government employee) is improper and may be a violation of ethics or even the law.
- For weddings and sometimes children's birthdays, the use of a "gift registry" in which the recipient suggests what they would like to receive is not considered inappropriate (EN: Though listing lavish or expensive gifts, considering the social status of the recipient and those expected to five gifts, is considered inappropriate.)
- The use of "gift cards" is increasingly popular and acceptable.
- Giving cards is common and less sensitive than gifts. During the Christmas holidays, cards are generally exchanged, though the preferred message is a general and non-religious "happy holidays" or "seasons greetings"
(EN: Not mentioned is gift-giving in groups. Especially in the workplace, a personal gift is seen as showing favor to one person over others, or attempting to curry favor. An increasing practice is for coworkers to contribute to a communal gift, given "from the office" or "from the team")
SUGGESTIONS FOR INTERNATIONAL VISITORS
The general advice to foreigners seeking to establish relationships with Americans is simple: take the initiative but proceed slowly.
Taking the initiative is necessary because most Americans already have very structured and scheduled lives. They generally have an established network of friends and do not seek out international visitors to befriend. As such, many foreign visitors find they will need to pursue an American and cannot expect Americans to approach them.
Going slowly is important because it takes time. Americans seem very cheerful and outgoing, and are easy to engage on a superficial level, but much more reluctant and slow than individuals in other cultures to form a deeper relationship. They tend to balk at anyone who seeks to attach themselves too soon or too aggressively.
(EN: Another bit the author does not mention, but seems related, is that foreigners should beware of individuals who wish to make fast friends. It's not uncommon for such people to have self-serving motives, to be attempting to "con" another person, or to be socially stigmatized in their own community and looking to latch onto someone who's unaware of their status and/or reputation. In my own experiences moving around in the country, the first people to want to make friends are generally the last you'd want to be friends with.)
Be prepared to be conversant in various topics of "small talk." Americans have an innate curiosity about the culture of other nations, so this is a handy topic of discussion. You may also wish to ask about their culture in return, but beware of sensitive topics.
Seek out religious services or social clubs that suit your beliefs and interest can put you in touch with Americans with whom there is already a shared interest and a topic of conversation.
Finally, be patient in that you will not make much progress very quickly, and none at all with some individuals, as well as persistent in trying to establish connections with a broad array of people in an attempt to chance across someone with whom you can connect.
The author notes it is worthwhile to make friends with Americans, as they are the "best window pane" to American culture, and can be very helpful in learning about the local customs.