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6: Family Life

The American notion of "family" is meant in two different sentences. The first is the "nuclear" family, of parents and children living in a given residence, which is considered to be primary. The second is an "extended" family of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins that are related to an individual by blood or marriage. The extended family is of secondary importance, and is often a much smaller group of people than in other cultures.

The author expresses a few caveats before moving to the discussion: that there are regional and religious differences in family life, that the variations of family are significant, and that family life is undergoing significant changes in the American culture. As such, what follows are generalizations.

WHAT FOREIGNERS NOTICE

The author lists a number of observations that foreign visitors generally make about American family life:

(EN: My sense is the author has strayed a bit from "family" to interpersonal relationships, material possessions, and personal lifestyle - but it's all generally related to home and family.)

THE CHANGING FAMILY

The author reflects on the American family of fifty years ago: it included a husband and wife, and two or more children. The man went to work during the week, and relaxed or did home repairs or yard work on weekends. The woman took care of the house and the children, and socialized with other housewives in the neighborhood. The children went to school, played with friends after school and on weekends. The family gathered for breakfast and dinner, chatting when they ate, and spent the evening together. On weekends, there might be a family activity or a visit to grandparents. The children grew up, got married, had kids, and the cycle repeated. Such family life is now a relic of a bygone era, but remains an idealized version of what an American family should be, even though most recognize it is not at all realistic.

(EN: I find it common that people lament the "death" of the American family - but I have never seen anyone take another step backward, to compare the "ideal" family of the 1950's to demographics of the 1900's. I imagine the contrast would be just as stark: families were larger, more of the extended family lived in the same house or in neighboring houses, there were servants present, children were more actively involved in chores, there was little socialization outside the household, etc. I don't have the sense that people of the 1950's felt that they were dysfunctional or isolated, and might have taken pride in the progress of the culture.)

Some of the ways in which families have changed are:

Arrangements such as these were once termed "dysfunctional" families, recently euphemized to "alternative" families. According to one estimation (Donenberg, 2004), 70% of households were "alternative" compared to 30% "traditional."

Americans are also getting married later in life - the average age at marriage is 28 for men and 26 for women, and the marriage rate is the lowest since 1932. Divorce was once considered to be rampant, but has actually declined significantly (by almost 40%) since the 1980's. However, there are marked difference among religions, regional, and ethnic groups.

Various explanations have been offered for the change in the American family:

It may also be a factor that each of these changes in living arrangements and family structure reflect and reinforce the cultural values of freedom and individualism, and in many was the traditional family unit is aki nto a collective, which stands in direct opposition to cultural values and beliefs.

PARENTING

The way in which children are raised has a significant impact on the adults they turn out to be. As such, understanding child-rearing in the American culture can be enlightening as to the basis for the values, beliefs, and actions of American adults.

In some cultures, the choice to raise children is virtually automatic - but it is not so for many Americans, who have a more mixed or ambivalent attitude toward having children. While many consider it to be important, they also recognize that it is a tremendous responsibility and expense. Among educated professional couples, the ideal is generally a planned family with one or two children conceived deliberately rather than accidentally. Some people choose not to have children at all, and the choice is socially acceptable, though often objectionable to the parents of the couple in question.

(EN: I've often wondered to what degree parenthood is by choice rather than by accident. I expect people are reluctant to admit such a thing, and there don't seem to be any recent statistics on the phenomenon - but I strongly suspect that it would support the notion that childbirth is often not planned.)

Insofar as the goals of raising children, the general objective for American parents is to prepare children to be independent and self-reliant individuals who will be able to manage their own lives by the time they are 18, and training for self-reliance starts very early. Americans generally expect their children to be successful, and begin grooming them for their future careers early in life, with private school, tutoring, and other activities that will increase their chances of academic success and getting into a "good" college.

Conversely, American children are not as occupied with schoolwork as children in other societies. Public schools are considered to be less demanding, and American parents complain if students are given "too much" homework to engage in other activities. While education is important, parents also enroll their children in a wide range of extracurricular activities which they feel to be important in producing a "well rounded" child.

Very young children receive considerable attention, and it is not uncommon for am American home to be "child-centered" - the dwelling is child-proofed, much of the space is devoted to the child, and much of the parents' time after working hours is devoted to their children. They talk about their children, and often treat them, as if they were simply small adults and young children have input into family decisions.

It's noted that the corporate world is well aware of the degree to which children influence family decisions, and a great deal of advertising is aimed directly at children as decision-makers, rather than at parents to make decisions for their children. Marketers realize that if they can get children to adopt their products at a very early age, they will likely have a life-long customer.

As children get older, they spend less time with their parents: they manage their own commute to school and even take care of their own basic needs. Beyond a certain age, children are no longer kept in daycare, but are allowed to be home, alone and unsupervised, after school.

Even when the parents are home, older children receive relatively little attention: a child usually has his own bedroom (and computer, television set, and cellular phone) and spends more time in individual activities than interacting with his family.

In the early teenage years, peer groups become more influential. Young teens form into cliques and conform to the dress and behavior of their friends, often with the tolerance or acceptance of their parents. The notion of the "rebellious teenager" remains, but rather than trying to correct this behavior as was common in previous generations, modern parents condone it, and even support their child developing "his own identity" that is independent of or even contrary to their influence.

In terms of dealing with undesirable behavior, Americans tend to emphasize positive guidance - rewarding good behavior instead of punishing bad behavior. Following in the theme of "little adults," parents often engage a child's logic to explain and ensure he understands the reason certain behavior is out of bounds. Corporal discipline such as slapping or spanking is significantly decreased, based on the belief that it teaches children to use violence with others - and because the law is often vague in the distinction between acceptable punishment and criminal abuse.

Its also noted that, in some cultures, it is expected that adults other than the child's parents may intervene when a child is misbehaving - but Americans do not have that expectation. The behavior of a child is considered to be a private family matter, and parents will react wit hostility to any other adult who attempts to discipline their children. One exception is when the behavior of a child poses a threat to his own well being or that of others - but even in such situations, a clear line is drawn: it is acceptable to stop the behavior to prevent harm, but not administer any form of punishment.

In later teenage years, it is common for American children to have part-time jobs, and authority over how they choose to spend their own wages, though parents may encourage them to save for college or other expenses. From the parent's viewpoint, this is good training for their future profession, as well as basic life skills such as managing time and money, learning how to act in a workplace environment, and taking on responsibility.

In general, children are expected to move out of the parents' house when they finish secondary school. A child may live at home to attend college (though it's more common to go to college in a distant town and return home when school is not in session) - but after their education is completed, they are expected to be on their own, in a year or two if not immediately.

However, this traditional path is changing during the current economic climate - even if a young adult finds work, it may be four or five years before he is being compensated enough to afford to live independently. Another growing alternative is for young adults to gang together, living in a residence with several others (not just one roommate) to share major housing expenses. Alternately, a parent may help a young adult to pay his bills until his income is sufficient for him to carry his own weight.

POST-FAMILY LIFE

The next phase in American family life is the "empty nest" period, in which children have become self-sufficient and no longer live in the home. For many Americans, this is a difficult adjustment: having devoted the majority of their energy to child-rearing for twenty or thirty years, they find themselves at a loss for how to fill their time. They may get involved with an new educational or social interest, and often devote some of their time to helping raise their grandchildren, until they eventually adjust. (EN: The author does not mention it, but the divorce rate sharply increases during this period, and it's often the time of a "mid-life crisis" that may involve a change in career or a dramatic new direction.)

The next turning point is retirement from the workforce, which was traditionally age 65 but has been creeping upward as downturns in financial markets have eroded the value of retirement funds and even government pensions (social security) have been delayed and decreased. Some retirees remain in their homes, others relocate. Another adjustment follows, though it's generally easier for parents to make as they can devote more time to interests and pursuits take on during the empty-nest period.

The final change in family life occurs when parents become elderly and cannot care for themselves. It's rare for an elderly parent to take up residence with their own children, who cannot sufficiently provide for in-home care. As such, it's more common for the elderly to move to a retirement home or care facility. This was once considered difficult or even shameful in American society, but it is nowadays quite commonplace, and as acceptable to the parent as to their adult children.

(EN: The author concludes wit home situations in which a foreigner might find himself living in a private home - such as a "host family" program at a university, renting a room, being invited by a roommate for a holiday, etc., but much of this seems beside the point. In most circumstances, the home is considered a very private place, and foreigners will not form a close enough friendship with an American to be invited - in which case, much of this is trivia that may help in understanding culture, but will have little impact on day-to-day interactions.)

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