4: Differences in Customs
The author begins with an anecdote of foreigners at a "pot luck" dinner, and the question of what to do about leftovers. In the American custom, a person who brings a dish offers it to the host, and if the host declines, then to other guests, and ultimately to take the leftovers home. But of importance: the offer is made only once (in other cultures, an offer must be made two or three times before it is taken seriously), and people are expected to follow their own preference (not to be reluctant to accept and offer, nor to accept merely out of a desire to be polite), so foreign guests to such an event often find the situation awkward or uncomfortable.
(EN: I've some experience with the specific example - a feast where people contribute to the buffet, whether or not it is explicitly called or understood to be "pot luck," and even some Americans have difficulty with the ritual.)
This is an example in which the participants had a fundamental understanding of the event, but missed some of the finer points of the custom - which is typical of visitors to a foreign nation. A visitor can be expected to familiarize himself with the basics, but often misses some part of the custom that leaves him in an awkward situation.
The author suggests it is "quite impossible" to catalogue all the customs a visitor might encounter in America. There are many such situations: introductions and greetings, whether to tip, which rooms you may enter in a stranger's home, whether to relinquish a seat on a bus to another person, what help you can ask of an acquaintance, how to handle arriving late, whether you can accept a gift from a business client, etc.
(EN: And again, the author misses a significant point: there are many books on etiquette available - some are general, others specific to situations - that will provide guidance to foreigners and Americans alike. While these books tend to err on the side of discretion, in that etiquette is not perfectly followed all of the time, the risk a person takes by beign overly attentive is significantly greater than being insufficiently attentive to matters of etiquette.)
AMERICANS AND THEIR CUSTOMS
Another obstacle to providing specific advice about American customs is that there are many variations among sub-cultures and groups, which even Americans struggle to accommodate when traveling within their own nation.
There are also religious differences as well as ethnic identities to be considered, as the contemporary environment of America is one of multiculturalism, and it is generally expected that a person will be tolerant and accommodating of other peoples' customs.
In general, a visitor to a country is expected to respect and, to some degree, follow the customs of the country they are visiting - though again, because of multiculturalism, Americans are generally tolerant of individuals who do not follow their own customs so long as they are generally polite and do not appear to be deliberate in giving offense.
It's noted that many Americans do not consider their actions to be derived from custom - they believe they are acting "naturally" or "normally" in their behavior and often do not notice that they are following patterns of behavior they have been taught. Customers, they assume, are things that only exist in other countries.
As such, Americans often cling to their customs as if they are universal behavior, and are less prone than others to change their habits when they travel abroad. Moreover, the notion of "custom" seems a bit silly to them, something imposed on a person by their society, and they believe that other people would behave as Americans do if they were free to act naturally.
That's not to say Americans are completely devoid of customs, but they are generally considered to be "traditions" associated to specific formal events or holidays - and in that regard, many American holidays were originally religious (primarily Christian or pagan European religions) holidays that have largely lost their religious significance and are practiced by most Americans, regardless of religion. The author lists some of the "major" holidays and customs:
- Valentine's Day - Traditionally a day when gifts (flowers and candy) are given to girlfriends and wives, but small tokens of affection are also exchanged among schoolmates and friends
- Easter - An amalgamation of pagan fertility rituals, in which children are given gifts of candy and engage in egg hunts
- Memorial day - A civic holiday that originally honored soldiers who died in war, which ahs become more of a leisure holiday marking the beginning of the summer vacation season
- Independence Day - Commemorates American independence from England. Many cities have parades and fireworks displays, and gathering for picnics and barbecues is common.
- Halloween - A pagan (Celtic) festival honoring the dead, in which children dress in costumes and go from house to house to receive gifts of candy, and some adults participate in costume balls
- Thanksgiving - Originated to commemorate the pioneers in New England, it is currently a family celebration with a traditional menu (turkey, dressing, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie)
- Christmas - Amalgamates religious holidays including the birth of the Christian prophet and various pagan winter festivals, this is another family-oriented holiday where there is an exchange of gifts
It's suggested that multiculturalism has given Americans greater awareness of the holidays of various religions and ethnicities, and that some are gaining more widespread adoption. (EN: The only two I'm aware of are St. Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo - the author lists a number of others, such as Kwanzaa and Ramadan, but my sense is that these are recognized by many, but celebrated only within their originating ethnic groups.)
CUSTOMARY BEHAVIORS
Aside of holiday "traditions," Americans have thousands of other behaviors that can be considered customs that are exercised in daily life. Much of the present book, and any discussion of cultural behaviors, generally focuses on customs of a culture.
Some customs derive from specific values of a culture, others seem to have no clear relationship to values. The "proper" manner in which silverware is handled is one example: Americans routinely juggle their fork between hands when they dine, whereas Europeans keep their fork in their left hand in any course where a knife is involved. Another example is the clothing worn inside the personal home - different families have different practices in this respect.
The author dwells a bit on the topic of clothing worn outside the home, in which some cultures consider Americans to be overly modest in their dress (in Europe and Australia, women will go bare-breasted at beaches and parks) whereas others consider Americans to be overly immodest in the same regard (in Arab nations, women are virtually mummified, even in their own homes). Even in America, there are generational differences, with the young tending to be less modest in their dress than the old.
International visitors cannot be expected to learn all of the customs in practice in the United States, but should endeavor to familiarize themselves with the relatively small number that Americans consider to be mandatory. Minor points of custom and etiquette can be violated, and often are by Americans themselves, without much consequence, whereas others will provoke a strong and immediate negative reaction. The author provides a quick list:
- Punctuality is mandatory. If you are going to be more than ten minutes late to a meeting or social engagement, try to give notice.
- If you agree to meet someone, keep the appointment. It is considered exceptionally rude to accept an invitation and then fail to appear.
- Treat women with the same level of respect as you accord men.
- Be courteous to clerks, waiters, secretaries, and other service people
- Maintain a discreet physical distance - an arm's length is a good guide - and avoid making physical contact. There are very few rituals involving physical contact, such as shaking hands of hugging - better to let the American initiate these, as it's difficult to know when they are appropriate. (EN: Worth noting that both of these contact rituals have become noticeably less common in recent years.)
- Especially, be cautious of physical contact with men. Touch is generally interpreted as a sexual signal from women, and either hostile or sexual from another man, and homophobia is rampant.
- Avoid bowing or other behaviors that convey deep respect. It offends the American sense of egalitarianism.
- Conversational topics to avoid include religion, politics, and sexuality. Avoid asking or making comments about age and weight, especially of women. Avoid asking peoples' income and the price they paid for things. Avoid commenting or asking about health, especially bodily functions.
These are some of the most common areas where foreigners should be attentive to avoid giving offense, but the author repeats that readers would do well to seek other sources for broader and more detailed information.
The best source is simply to ask other Americans what behavior is expected or appropriate in certain situations. IF you admit that you are unfamiliar with customs, Americans will be more inclined to forgive minor breaches of etiquette, and are generally happy to try to answer questions about such matters.
(EN: My sense is that the advice to "ask questions" should probably have come earlier, been given greater emphasis, and be communicated with a few qualifications. Specifically, it's better to ask discreetly and in advance, to phrase the question in an open and non-assumptive manner, and to ask someone who is in a similar role - another guest at a party rather than the host or guest of honor, another diner in a restaurant rather than the waiter.)