Embarrassment and Social Organization
The author opens with a description of the physical symptoms of embarrassment blushing, fumbling, irregular vocal patterns, mental distraction, and so on. The expression varies in degree according to the level of embarrassment a person is feeling.
There is no culture in which embarrassment is accepted as normal: it is universally associated with loss of face, and generally as a result of our own behavior. An unfounded insult arouses outrage, but a well-founded one results in embarrassment - though it is suggested that individuals with a general sense of inferiority may be prone to show embarrassment when it is not justified, this is a psychological dysfunction. In a normal individual, embarrassment is a confession.
There is also a distinction between embarrassment and discomfiture: a person may become discomfited in the absence of other people - he finds that he cannot accomplish something he believed to be within his ability, and becomes emotionally upset by it - perhaps ashamed of his own presumption.
Embarrassment is a social emotion, which becomes evident in social settings. Generally one is embarrassed because he has disgraced himself in the eyes of a specific person or group. Sometimes, embarrassment may be experienced when imagining what that person/group might think, even if they are not present.
Embarrassment is about a diminution in social standing - between the standing a person has or wishes to have and that with which he is regarded by others.
There is also brief mention of being embarrassed on behalf of others - though it is uncertain whether this is truly an act of empathy, or a person is embarrassed by their own value system. That is, they are embarrassed by having held someone in higher esteem that their actions merit or by their social connection to a person who is in disgrace. A friend embarrasses himself, and we are embarrassed to be known to others as his friend.
Vocabulary of Embarrassment
"There seems to be no social encounter which cannot become embarrassing to one or more of its participants." It is often that a person embarrasses himself, but he may also embarrass others. Then, there are instances in which two or more parties experience mutual embarrassment.
Embarrassment may be mild and brief, and the embarrassed party may recover quickly without any detrimental impact to his social status. On the other hand, embarrassment may be sever, requiring the present encounter to be awkwardly terminated, and doing damage to the social status of the embarrassed party. Abrupt embarrassment may be intense, and prolonged embarrassment may be mild.
The author then compares embarrassment to the state of being physically off-balance - the necessity of returning to a state of equilibrium or the unfortunate consequence of falling over entirely. Recovering gracefully from being physical imbalance requires muscular dexterity, and recovering gracefully from embarrassment requires intellectual and social dexterity.
Embarrassment becomes a distraction for the entire group in a social setting. Others may assist the embarrassed individual in regaining his footing, or they may leave him to right himself. There may or may not be a pause in the general interactions among other members of the group, and the incident may be ignored or dwelt upon.
Embarrassment does not have a positive social function - the most admirable individuals are never in a position to be embarrassed. It may be of no consequence if the individual recovers deftly, without undue distraction from the point of the encounter. Esteem is given to those who maintain composure and an air of being at ease.
To appear flustered or embarrassed at all, and then not to recover from it deftly, is a sign of weakness, inferiority, low social standing, and poor social skills in general. Those who cannot deftly deal with embarrassment often attempt to conceal their emotions or pretend not to be aware that there is cause for them to feel embarrassed. Others in the encounter may then decide whether to move the conversation along.
Embarrassment is often used as a method of shunning: to embarrass someone as a signal that the encounter is not wanted and should be terminated. When there are three or more parties involved, there is the opportunity of another party to help the embarrassed person recover (and continue the engagement) or to not do so (and confirm that their presence is unwanted).
Feigned embarrassment may be used as an attention-getting tactic. Because interaction generally ceases when embarrassment occurs, an individual may give the semblance of being embarrassed, recovering deftly, and then seizing control of the encounter while the focus of attention is upon him. This tactical advantage is always at the risk of diminished esteem, particularly when the ruse is obvious.
Likewise, embarrassment may be weaponized: to seek to diminish another person's esteem by creating a situation in which they are embarrassed. However, when it is obvious to others that this is done intentionally, it is the attacker rather than the intended victim who suffers a loss in social standing.
Instance of embarrassment, even when mild and quickly diffused, always create negative sentiment about the encounter and the parties involved. The sense that a person is unpleasant persists long after the reason for that assessment is forgotten. Hence any situation in which embarrassment occurs has a negative impact on future interactions between parties - even to the point at which social interaction may be avoided. Likewise, there is a feeling of gratitude and amiability toward those who have helped us to avoid or recover from an embarrassing instance.
Where an individual is unable to overcome embarrassment, there are a number of common reactions: to express rage, to cry, to freeze, to faint, or to abruptly leave the encounter. After that, it is very difficult for that individual to regain their composure and continue with or rejoin the encounter. It also becomes difficult for him to engage with the parties at a later time, though this can generally be done with some discussion of the incident of embarrassment itself.
Random vocabulary: we speak of "poise" in a person who controls their emotional reactions, "tact" of a person who avoids provoking emotions in others, "grace" of a person who handles an incident deftly (minimizing the distraction), and "oafishness" of someone who handles an incident poorly.
There is a brief mention of the "taunting rituals" of youth - children who practice trading insults and attempting to retain their composure. The notion of sportsmanship also includes the ability to retain one's composure in defeat - and maintaining focus and control even in a losing situation is both functionally and socially valuable.
There's another brief mention of the social practice of confiding: a person will confess to others certain things that might cause him embarrassment (sensitive topics, past mistakes, etc.) as a method of testing them: to see if they avoid sensitive areas and help to defend them when other parties might approach them.
People generally recognize, to some degree, their skill in maintaining composure and avoiding embarrassment. Those who are aware that they lack poise and social grade will often readily confess it, and are prone to avoiding social contact whenever possible.
Causes of Embarrassment
One cause of embarrassment has to do with disappointment. There is a notion of what a given person ought to do and refrain from doing based upon the status they are presumed to have. It is their failure to maintain this standard of conduct that results in embarrassment.
Generally, the expectations that are relevant to embarrassment are moral, but this is not universally so: there are instances in which a moral infraction gives rise to no uneasiness at all. Embarrassment is also the result of self-assessment: a person only feels embarrassed when they have failed in their own estimation. If he sees nothing wrong with his own conduct, he will not experience embarrassment.
Another requirement is the expectation of esteem from observers. A person is only embarrassed when someone else is aware of the thing that embarrasses him, and only if it is important to maintain esteem of that person. That is, he expects that he has (or ought to have) a certain level of respect from others, and the fact that his actions do not merit that respect cause him embarrassment.
When one party actively attempts to embarrass another by calling attention to certain failings, this incident creates a conflict. An accusation is not as effective as a source of embarrassment because it is merely an allegation and depends on the credibility of the accuser. In this sense, a person who attempts to focus the attention of a group upon an individual with an allegation also calls attention to himself, and puts his own credibility at stake. The accuser must first be deemed credible before there will be any discretization of the accused.
The accuser is also in double jeopardy, as the very act of disparaging the character of another person is socially unacceptable. Any act of disparagement disrupts the social encounter, ad if those present do not feel that the disruption was worth the time and attention required to deal with it, it will be seen as unjustified and a mark of rudeness and poor character on the part of the accuser - even if the accusation is true.
A second cause of embarrassment is shown in the wake of making an error - but this tends to be brief and mild. Most generally, those errors arise from lack of awareness of the role of another person: mistaking someone for something they are not or failing to recognize what they are. The "small talk" that takes place at social events is often a means of discovery.
Another cause of embarrassment arises from functional failure. The person who asks for a loan, applies for a job, or makes a proposal of marriage assumes that he is held in sufficient esteem by the other party that his request will be accepted. To be refused causes embarrassment due to his hubris. Where a person stands to be socially embarrassed by such a failure, there are often elaborate social customs that enable them to assess their chances of success and cease before making the formal "ask" of another party - consider courtship as such a ritual for assessing whether a marriage proposal would be accepted or refused.
There is a mention of shyness: a person who has been discredited repeatedly may come to expect that he will eventually be discredited in any social encounter, and therefore seek to avoid social contacts. This is a matter of self-assessment, which may be inaccurate: it is because they expect to be discredited, right or wrong, that they shy from social contacts.
Embarrassment is also a common experience for those who attempt to forge their social credentials - those who present themselves as being something they are not are at constant risk of being discredited. This is a common danger for not only the poseur, but also for the social climber who is attempting to advance his station by presenting himself in a better station. If others accept his presentation, he will have achieved that station - if they do not, he will be embarrassed.
In society, each person plays a number of roles and may have several social "selves." This is generally known an accepted, such that there are few instances in which there are few instances in which embarrassment is caused by serving in incompatible roles. Also, embarrassment in one role seldom leads to embarrassment in another role, though this may depend on the precise nature of the actions that lead to embarrassment.
Domain of Embarrassment
While embarrassment is generally seen as undesirable and people seek to avoid it, it is a normal part of routine social life. One cannot avoid embarrassment except by avoiding social contact.
The potential for embarrassment is greatest in accidental encounters - the meeting of two people of different roles and ranks, who must interact as equals in a given situation while maintaining a certain distance for the sake of decorum. Consider the awkward situation of an executive and a clerk, stuck together in an elevator for several minutes.
This is the reason that certain institutions seek to create segregation among ranks - having a separate bathroom and cafeteria for executives, for example, enables them to avoid encounters with their subordinates. In separation, the executive may use the wrong fork or make some other clumsy mistake without being seen and judged by the clerk.
It is also the reason for formality: where there are strict rituals and procedures that govern conduct, each person knows what is expected of him and can act in accordance to his role. Where there is no script, there is potential for error in improvisation.
Social Function of Embarrassment
Embarrassment is regarded as socially dysfunctional: it is never the point of a social encounter to experience or cause embarrassment, and when it does occur it becomes an unwanted distraction until it can be dealt with and the functional course of the encounter can be resumed.
Embarrassment is functional as a rectification of roles in any situation where there is a mistake or confusion. A person who has taken the wrong "line" may show embarrassment, and a temporary interruption enables him to rectify his line without seeming inconsistent. In this sense, embarrassment functions to restore social order.
To put a person "in his right place" is generally construed to mean a decrease in his esteem or status in a given encounter, but it is also possible for a rectification to put a person in a rightful place where his esteem and status are improved from their initial position. In that way, expressing embarrassment also helps a person who has made a mistake to recover, and to give a person their due deference from that point forward.