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5: Sadness and Agony

Sadness and agony are both emotions that relate to loss. Agony is a stronger but more temporary emotion, whereas sadness is less intense but longer lasting. Agony may recur cyclically with repeated memory of a loss, but it tends to fade over time.

A grieving person may also experience moments of anger, generally directed at the cause of their loss, and it may also be experienced as being angry with oneself for not having prevented the loss, even if there is no rational basis. Anger is all that may be felt in some instances, particularly when it is impossible to retaliate.

Anger is also a defense mechanism - it is an emotion that is substituted for agony because anger is less unpleasant.

Anguish is also tainted with fear, generally the fear of being unable to regain an acceptable status quo as a result of the loss. In instances where a loss is anticipated but has not yet been experienced, then all that is felt is fear.

He relates the story of a woman whose child had died, but who remained stoic until she was returned to her family, at which point she began to display intense grief. This underscores the fact that emotions are social expressions, meant to provoke others to act - in the case of grief, it is to motivate others to give comfort. A person may not show grief in the presence of strangers, particularly when there is no expectation that they will provide comfort.

It's also suggested that there is often a period of shock, in which the mind is stunned, and it may take time (and the right environment) for emotion to set in. Another reason for the delayed onset of grief is denial, a psychological defense mechanism that causes a person to ignore the loss or at least discount in emotionally (they can verbalize that they recognize the loss, but do not yet "feel" it).

There's a brief mention of "tears of joy," in instances where a person receives wonderful news. A change in status quo, even if it is a positive one, entails the loss of the previous status quo. A marriage proposal often elicits tears of joy and even a fear reaction - however happy the bride-to-be may be about the proposal, the prospect of marriage represents the loss of her maiden life.

He mentions with disdain the practice of using drugs to treat sadness and agony. While they can be useful for melancholy or depression, which are ongoing states, preventing a person from feeling sadness after a loss is a disruption of the natural cycle of grieving and recovery, which interferes with an individual's ability to recover from the loss.

There expression of grief and anguish is meant to elicit comfort of others, and there is a corresponding emotional reward experienced by those who give comfort to others. Together, these emotions are the basis of social bonds.

We are not genuinely motivated to give comfort to strangers or members of social groups to which we do not belong - but this lack of compassion (or show of false compassion) is another response to grief: the person who offers comfort is asserting their superiority to those who are in grief. Charity toward strangers is never as honorable as it is meant to seem.

It is also worth noting that not everyone wants others to help when they experience sadness or agony. It is common for a person to withdraw. In some instances, it is a sense of shame at being weak and helpless, dependent on an attachment to the thing that was lost. In others, it is a rejection of the false compassion of strangers to repudiate their assertion of superiority. This, however, is an act of subterfuge - the person is experiencing the emotion, but is pretending not to.

In most western cultures, it is considered womanish to express sorrow and anguish and the emotion is deemed unacceptable for men, who are meant to be strong and independent. To show grief is to show a lack of integrity, and to accept comfort is to show a lack of strength. On the other hand, melancholy, which is a prolonged sadness, is considered noble in western culture.

Nor does every person feel inclined to offer help and comfort to a miserable person. Some feel contempt or disgust toward others who show weakness. Others may simply lack compassion for another person who is not part of their social group. They may suspect that a person is falsely expressing grief (or overly expressing it) as a means of being parasitic. Or they may have been abandoned in their own moment of grief and feel no obligation to help others as a result. Or they make have been taken advantage of someone who expressed false grief to deceive them.

There are also people who experience positive emotions when witnessing the suffering of others. If they were the cause of grief, they feel a sense of personal power in being able to cause harm to others. Or even if they were not the cause, they may feel it is right or just for the other person to be suffering - that their sorrow is just dessert for their character or past behavior.

It's also noted that some people enjoy the experience of sadness, though it is usually by proxy: they enjoy the sensation if it comes without experiencing the loss. People who are drawn to sad music, emotionally taxing books and moves, and the like enjoy the feeling of sadness. People who aggrandize and melodramatize minor losses in their lives likewise enjoy the feeling of sadness (though this tends to be social - they are seeking others to show compassion to them).

Recognizing Sadness in Ourselves

Sadness may be provoked after experiencing a personal loss, or in remembering a lost that was experienced in the distant past, or in witnessing someone else experience a loss, or simply in witnessing someone else's display of grief.

The physical effects of sadness are loss of muscle tension, difficulty inhaling, tension in the muscles of the lower face, and tears. It's noted that people feel sadness differently and express different physical symptoms.

Recognizing Sadness in Others

The facial expression of sadness and agony is universal. The eyebrows arch upward, the mouth hands open, and the eyelids droop. The particular angle of the eyebrows is the most genuine sign, as it is one that few people who fake the emotion can fabricate. It's possible for the expression to be recognized even if the lower face is hidden.

Other exhibitions include a stretched mouth with the lower lip pushed upward, sometimes with such intensity that it trembles. When a person suppresses grief, they may push their lips together, exhibiting a prominent and wrinkled chin.